Bow tie bravado: how big is too big?

How big can a bow tie be, before it is ungodly enormous?

First of all, thanks to Joe S. of Portland, OR (pictured center) for this timely tax day question:

If any of the following are true, your bow tie needs to see a surgeon immediately:

If you bow tie could fly, it could easily carry the weight of your head

A fruit bat appears to be eating your Adam's Apple

Your bow tie dwarfs Elvis' sunglasses during his bloated, pre-death white jumpsuit days

W (width) > 1/20 x YH (your height) in SF (stocking feet)

Signs of a successful bow tie:

• It should be slightly thicker than John Waters' mustache, but not much
• It is either a solid color or has an abstract pattern (no rocking horses or paisleys, thank you)
• It is wider than your mouth when closed and unsmiling, but not as wide as your forehead
• You don't wear it every day unless it is part of a uniform (blackjack dealer, bartender, jockey, doorman, Chippendale dancer, etc.)
• If it is not part of a uniform and you are not a humanities professor or an Oregon senator, you only wear it willingly with a tuxedo

XO,
Ms.Chief

P.S. Nice shiny hair, Joe! Either you had a good Mediterranean diet rich in olive oil, or you indulged in 1970s shampoo rich in petrochemicals.

Recession Remedies: Scraping the Barrel

We could all use some hints on how to spend a little less money these days. What are your recommendations for fashion on a budget?

There are a gazillion semi-realistic answers to this questions, such as: join a nudist colony, stay in bed, or turn your curtains into a ballgown (a la Scarlet O'Hara). However, if you live in a cold climate, are prone to bedsores, or your windows are cursed with vertical blinds, here are some other options:

1. Ruthless Reduction: Take stock of your current wardrobe. What is gathering dust (or mold) in your closet? Why do you never wear it? Take those pants that make your rump resemble a lumpy piñata and donate them to charity. The shirt with stinky yellow sweat stains under the arms and grease on the hem belongs in the garbage. That guilt-inducing pumpkin and brown houndstooth check scarf your mother-in-law gave you should live in the trunk of your car in case you drive off a cliff, cut off your arm and require a tourniquet. In short, get rid off the stuff that is either unflattering, ruined or ugly. You'll feel better knowing that you only have clothes you like, and that someone less fortunate than you is happily wearing your rejects. Charity is the new black.
2. Mix and Match: Okay, you're down to the the clothes you do wear and the clothes that you don't wear but are perfectly serviceable. Now you get to play a game of mix and match. Take those jeans you always wear, and hold them up to that fantastic green shirt embroidered with a possum that's been languishing in your dresser for six years - why, what a wonderful outfit! Hang them in your closet together where you can see them. Grab those fabulous purple suede platform shoes you wear every Thursday and scrutinize them next to those flattering parachute pants you never wear and ask yourself why not. If you don't feel nauseous, you've got a match! Hang up the pants in the closet, and put your shoes right under them to remind you to wear them together. Continue mixing and matching, and behold, you suddenly have an interesting new wardrobe without having spent a dime.
3. Shirtburger Helper™: After your game of mix and match, wash your face, gargle, pop a Tums, and see what's left. How about your cherished black t-shirt that's perfect in all ways except it barely covers your ribcage? Well, if you have sewing skills or a friend who sews (who pities you or owes you money), you're in luck! Ingredients: one (1) shirt that is too short; one (1) extra shirt that you can't quite bear to get rid of, but the color next to your face makes you look dead. Instructions: cut the bottom off the extra shirt, and sew it to the bottom hem of the too-short shirt. Behold your new unique shirt! If you actually measured everything and sewed it together decently, you might not even look like a homeless orphan with scabies!
4. Sale Shopping: If steps 1-3 haven't fulfilled your greedy little needs, it's time to resort to shopping. No, you don't get to go to your favorite store and buy full price items and then take yourself out to sushi as a reward for being such a good shopper. Instead, you are going to learn how to shop on the cheap without necessarily looking cheap. Some options for reduced price, good brand clothing: Sierra Trading Post, consignment stores where fancy people sell their barely worn clothes and Overstock are a few of my personal favorites. Frequently you can find off colors, seconds with imperceptible flaws or simply clothing that didn't sell well and is being discontinued. BUYER BEWARE: In the past, outlet malls were a good bet, but I've found that national brand stores now create criminally designed lines of clothing specifically for their outlets. I call that cheating.

There. You now have all my wonderful secrets at your disposal. Why do I share these with you? Well, if you look lousy, I go through the classic fashion failure stages of pity, depression and ultimately sheer fury. So if not for yourself, get yourself together for my well being. Thank you for your cooperation.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Prosthetic Panache

Question: How should one accessorize a glass eye?

Answer: With a false eyelash.

Spandex: when, why, where, what and who?

Well, even superheros make mistakes, in this case, a misguided Spiderman wannabe poured into a spandex sausage casing snuggling up to the wall like an aging stripper in a 1974 B-movie.

The when, where, why, what and who of Spandex wearing needs some firm parameters, possibly even laws implemented on a federal level (we can’t trust states to make good decisions on this one).

APPROPRIATE:

• Very fit people racing bicycles very, very fast so you can’t see the details lurking beneath the fabric
  
• Headbanger bands comprised of malnourished old men with skullets
• Spandex only belongs in restaurants that feature a stage with a pole

INAPPROPRIATE:

• Red spandex shorts on anyone regardless of circumstance
• Worn out shorts that are embarrassingly transparent or baggy
• Anyone strolling about in public who is not playing a professional sport at the time of spandex-wearing

XO,
Ms.Chief

Passed out in public - what to wear?

Should you dress appropriately when you pass out drunk on your front yard, in case you’ll be photographed for Google maps?

Well, you should always dress appropriately, of course. Appropriate dress in anticipation of being photographed while passed out entails:

1. pants rather than a skirt (to avoid unintentional exposure)
2. dark colors (so grass stains or worse don’t show)
3. lace up shoes or zip-up boots instead of clogs or slides (so you don’t lose them)

The fellow pictured here is a passed out fashion success, including wisely using his arm as a drool catcher. Really, he is my role model in what to wear when drinking yourself into curbside oblivion.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Socks: know their power and use it wisely

I have a question about socks selection. I’ve heard several philosophies on this subject. Should socks match:
1) Shoe color
2) Pants color
3) Shirt color
4) None of the above

Note that the Bee Gees (pictured) would apparently choose option 1). Although, their thoughts on fashion would be somewhat suspect, given their taste in shoes. Your guidance is appreciated.

Dear Sock Curious,

Thank you for caring. Here are some basic guidelines:

If you are wearing black shoes, it is fairly safe to match your socks to your shoes. If you have good taste (according to anyone other than the person who taught you to dress yourself), you might venture into the territory of patterned socks. Large patterns on socks are riskier than small patterns.

If you are wearing brown shoes, it is a lot harder to find a matching brown sock, and you will rapidly descend into dorkland if you miss by a shade. With brown shoes, it is wiser to match your socks to your pants. However, it really depends on the shoes, the kind of leather, the style, and the details, as well as on the pants you are wearing.

Never, ever match your socks to your shirt. That is a sorry misconception generated by the fashion backward and greedy efforts of the Gap in the last twenty years. Remember that intrusive salesperson chirpily insisting through the dressing room door that you purchase socks to match that shirt? Well, that was intended to encourage you to spend more money, not to make you look good. And if you listened to that Gap monkey, you wound up looking like a squat little layer cake. Unless your legs are so tiresomely long you just wish you could make them look shorter by uniting your torso and your ankles, do NOT wear socks that match your shirt. One exception: if your shirt and your pants and your shoes match, you might as well match your socks to the whole shebang and audition for Lawrence Welk.

Finally, the Bee Gees: Forgive them, it was the 1970s and white jazz shoes were a sign of cool in that fleeting era of disco. Perhaps such zippity white shoes reminded people of that zippity white powder they had just vacuumed into their nasal passages. However, the Bee Gees' socks, which appear to be white athletic socks, really didn't do them any favors in the slick department. Fast forward to 1995 and the movie adaptation of the Elmore Leonard novel Get Shorty in which Dennis Farina played the role of a sleezily stylish thug. There is a scene in which the camera pans to his ankles and reveals his socks, transparent trouser socks, to be precise. Trouser socks are the male answer to the knee high stocking - they are a thin dress sock that look ridiculous on most human beings unless they were raised in Miami by generations of confident pimps. Anyway, the Bee Gees would have done better to wear sheer white socks with their disco suits and white shoes. Here is a photo of the black version of what they should have considered:

I leave you with this vision. Enjoy your nightmares.

XO,

Ms.Chief

Animals ON Attire - what flies and what does not.

Q: We’ve heard you sound off on animals in attire, but what about animals on attire? I’m thinking specifically of a sweatshirt with a wolf on it, and behind him a silhouette of another wolf on a ridge howling at the moon. If only I could find 7 of them, I’d be happy every day of the week. Also, what about animals on a tire?

A: Your proposed sweatshirt is a teensy bit ridiculous and highly illogical in its storytelling. Why on earth would the one wolf be apart for the other wolf? Have they had a fight? Does one of the wolves think the moon is a cookie and wants to eat it while the other is ignoring his clearly delusional friend?

If you want a sweatshirt with wolves on them, I think you should go for something more friendly and logical, like two wolves riding a horse while eating sandwiches and listening to a radio.

Regarding animals on a tire (supposing you really want to know something about that and aren’t just making a shameful pun) the only animals I have ever seen standing on a tire are goats and birds. If you are referring to animals as decoration on mudflaps, yes, that’s okay as long as they aren’t striking a suggestive pose in chrome. That’s just plain old naughty.

XO,
Adj.