Spandex: when, why, where, what and who?

Well, even superheros make mistakes, in this case, a misguided Spiderman wannabe poured into a spandex sausage casing snuggling up to the wall like an aging stripper in a 1974 B-movie.

The when, where, why, what and who of Spandex wearing needs some firm parameters, possibly even laws implemented on a federal level (we can’t trust states to make good decisions on this one).

APPROPRIATE:

• Very fit people racing bicycles very, very fast so you can’t see the details lurking beneath the fabric
  
• Headbanger bands comprised of malnourished old men with skullets
• Spandex only belongs in restaurants that feature a stage with a pole

INAPPROPRIATE:

• Red spandex shorts on anyone regardless of circumstance
• Worn out shorts that are embarrassingly transparent or baggy
• Anyone strolling about in public who is not playing a professional sport at the time of spandex-wearing

XO,
Ms.Chief