28 November 2010

Bump Bumpit up!


Q: Why is it okay to wear a prosthetic plastic thing under your hair that makes it look like you have a skull deformity?

A: Oh, you must be talking about the Bumpit, which recreates a 1960s pouf hairstyle traditionally embraced by beauty queens and country singers and Jane Fonda in Barbarella. This look may have been an outgrowth of the late 50s/early 60s beehive (still sported today by Amy Winehouse and Marge Simpson).

So why is this popular once again? Look at the ad's tagline: "from flat to fabulous in seconds!" It's like a Wonderbra for your hair. It's a way of being taller without wearing high heels. But the real reason behind the Bumpit's resurgence is a secret no one in their right mind wants to admit: today's women want to look like the Tyrannosaurus Rex, a symbol of power, speed and very short arms.

XO,
Ms.Chief

03 October 2010

Happy Telegraphing Day!

Apparently today is Telegraphing Day. Nope, not the communications medium, but rather the act of transmitting a shape through a covering. Today I observed three separate cases of telegraphing:
  1. Woman walking through IKEA wearing nubby hand-crocheted socks that looked like lumberjack boots pulled up over skinny jeans. As she skidded along the polished concrete floor like a hapless drunk, the shape of her shoes under her boot-socks was telegraphing through the socks. (It may also be Inside Out Day.)
  2. Man with subcutaneous piercing telegraphed the shape of a Frankenstein bolt through his neck skin.
  3. Woman's tight white sweatpants was telegraphing the shape of her companion's hand as it slipped its way inside said pants, giving her bottom a solid groping.
Happy Telegraphing Day!

XO,
Ms.Chief

26 September 2010

Cutoff Couture

Dear Readers,

Lately I've received several inquiries about whether there is a place in today's society for boots coupled with cutoff jeans shorts, other than in gentlemen's clubs or at nostalgia-inducing outdoor music festivals.

I am happy to tell you that this combination does indeed have one other application: Halloween, when you want to dress up as a stripper or pretend to be a hippie at the Glastonbury Festival circa 1972. Alternately, you can add sickly face paint, drag your foot along and call yourself a Zombie Hippie Stripper. Enjoy!

XO,
Ms.Chief

08 August 2010

Birds, Bees & Buckskin


Dear Ms.Chief,
My awesome boyfriend bought us these buckskin outfits that we will always wear whenever we are together always. Forever, I mean. The problem is, I feel kind of torn up about it, because I am a political vegetarian since it's majorly wrong to take away an animal's skin and leave them standing there naked in the wild, all without skin and fur, because that's embarrassing for them in front of the other animals. My boyfriend says it's no big deal and I need to chill about it, because he got the buckskin outfits at Goodwill (we got the fleas out with clove cigarettes), and since they are second hand, that means the animals don't blame us personally for taking their skin. Is that true?
Peace out.


Dear Buckskin Betty,
I checked with my guru and mentor, Paul the Egg-laying Man Chicken, and he says that as long as you never think too hard about what happens when you take away an animal's skin, everything's going to be just fine.
XO,
Ms.Chief

21 June 2010

1985 Regurgitated

Dear Ms.Chief,
The mailman just brought me a letter from 1985 asking that I return my outfit. Do I have to?

Love,

Desperately Seeking Identity


Dear Desperate,
Bundle up those acid washed skinny jeans in your giant metallic purse and go to the post office today, please. In order to further placate 1985 for stealing its pants and purse, you may want to throw in your cassette tape of the soundtrack to Goonies. You may keep the yellow shoes because they are sassy enough to transcend time.
XO,
Ms.Chief

P.S. Don't forget to incinerate your plaid resort-wear jacket that you "borrowed" from the deceased lady on the cruise ship. It smacks of mothballs and failed golf resorts in the Florida wetlands.

03 April 2010

Denim Gone Wild


Q: At my job, we can wear jeans on Fridays as long as they're well maintained. I really think these jeans (pictured) are totally cute. Would they be okay for work?

A: If you're a sex worker attending a company-sponsored hayride, these jeans are perfect. However, if your professional responsibilities entail anything other than swinging around a pole, you may want to find yourself some denim that doesn't call to mind an encounter with questionable fluids.

XO,
Ms.Chief

12 March 2010

Key(hole) To the Kingdom


Q: I just bought a really nice shirt with a keyhole neckline. The keyhole is pretty modest, so is it appropriate to wear to my office?

A: "No cleavage, no problem" is my general rule of thumb for judging whether a shirt is office-appropriate. Excluded from this truism are the corporate offices of naughty magazines that might approve of revealing keyholes (see photo), and also Dutch Door shirts for that matter (have those been invented yet?).

You raise an interesting point about the power of suggestion. For example, a solid door with a keyhole in the doorknob does not inspire a peek, whereas a keyhole cut into the door itself begs for an eyeballing. So even if you are wearing a convent-approved keyhole shirt, be aware that certain individuals with active imaginations and repressed upbringings are most assuredly obsessing about the window of opportunity behind Door Number One.

XO,
Ms.Chief

07 March 2010

Speed(o) Demons: The Low Down


While on vacation in Kauai last month, I ate seared Ahi and fresh mangoes, snorkeled daily and gave serious consideration to what kind of guy should (and should not) wear small underwear-like bikini swimsuits, known as Speedos.

I'd always believed that only well-muscled athletes should wear tiny trunks. A European tourist completely redefined my criteria for Speedo success. Every day, this guy (pictured) lumbered into the surf in a small blue suit, orange water wings and goggles. Somehow, he managed to look fabulous.

I returned to the mainland convinced that there is room in the proverbial Speedo for all ages and shapes of men, as long as their skin is:

A) Smooth. Hirsute fellows just make a Speedo look defeated. The poor tiny suit can't possibly be expected to gracefully restrain all that lower back fur.

B) Taut. Sure, a nice tight musculature is ideal, but fat is fine, as long as it's contained tightly within (preferably tan) skin. Saggy or jiggly need not apply.

Of course the fit of the suit is crucial. Too loose or too tight carry the same risk of eye-burning spillage. But really, it all comes down to skin.

There it is. The skinny on Speedos. I never want to discuss this again.

XO,
Ms.Chief

27 January 2010

Double Standard Revealed

Q: A friend of mine is well endowed but really likes to wear low-cut cowl neck sweaters to work. Recently, she made a find that gives her the appropriate amount of modesty required at work – sweaters with built in “naked” mesh. You know, the mesh used in figure skating costumes to make skaters look like their skin is bedazzled? Though her outfits are now of the more modest sort, I can’t help but want to hold up judging numbers as she reminds me of Nancy Kerrigan. Should I tell her that she looks like she is going for Olympic gold or just be happy that I don’t have to be exposed to her tatas on a regular basis?

A: When I was 15, I was sent to Catholic girl's school in Spain (insert inappropriate jokes here). All the girls were required to wear white shirts with collars, gray plaid skirts, blue socks and blue shoes. Certain girls wore white shirts unbuttoned to their sternums, skirts hemmed to dizzying heights, sheer blue stockings and blue stiletto heels. Your friend seems to be playing a similar game, but in the workplace and with a weird figure skating theme. I personally find nude modesty mesh rather disconcerting - it makes me stare all the harder to figure out if I'm seeing human flesh or weird sparkly alien skin. Your friend should either wear something with a neckline in the vicinity of her neck or ditch the pretense of modesty and go for the gold. It isn't fair to the world to play it both ways. After all, if someone came up to me at a party bearing a delicious plate of sushi, I would be extremely sad if it turned out to be plastic display food.

XO,
Ms.Chief

16 January 2010

Shear Perfection

Dear Readers:
This is the best ad for the best hair salon in Kauai that I have ever seen. I love this ad because the owner has a classic rock and roll haircut that speaks of moonlight, idealism, fragrant orange blossoms and perfection. Additionally, it is obvious that he confidently owns his mustache without hesitation.The ad copywriter did an exemplary job. We know that the salon owner has been cutting and styling hair for eight years in a small studio by himself. We can only assume that when he started cutting and styling eight years ago, his hair must have reached his ankles.

Rock on, Roy Strom.

XO,
Ms.Chief

09 January 2010

Sleeve Peeve


Q: What are 3/4 length sleeves good for? Cold wrists? Lending the look of Frankenstein to an otherwise proportional person? But mostly, I want to know when will they go away?

A: No one is forcing you to wear 3/4 length sleeves. Most stores carry shirts in both full length and 3/4 length sleeves, so hop down off your cross and go to Target already.

I, for one, hope that 3/4 length sleeves remain available for the following reasons:
  1. They are an excellent vehicle for showcasing my fascinating collection of bracelets
  2. As a sloppy eater, I tend to dredge my soup with my cuffs
  3. They are less tempting to use as surreptitious nose-wiping devices than full length sleeves
On the other hand, 3/4 sleeves are simply terrible for:
  1. Cold, drafty environments
  2. Very tall people who have trouble finding long enough clothing and just want a shirt with full length sleeves already
  3. Individuals with appalling wrists (scabby rashes, bony outgrowths, poorly reasoned tattoos)
  4. People who lack fascinating collections of bracelets
XO,
Ms.Chief

P.S. My friend Tim May has a shirt with accidental 3/4 length sleeves. It's a button down made for a full grown man with sleeves just maybe long enough for a seven year old boy. He calls it his alligator shirt (not as in Izod) because it is perfectly proportioned for an alligator.