Mustache + Egg = Huh?

Q: Do you support the statement, "Kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt"? Please explain your answer.

A: If I were a U.S. Supreme Court Nominee in the midst of confirmation hearings, I would say that without further study of prior related cases and knowledge of state laws in which this incident occurred, I cannot answer the question.

However, no one has asked me if I'd like to be considered for the Supreme Court (their mistake). Here's your answer: This non sequitur was made in a specific cultural/historical context - apparently it was all the rage for men to have mustaches, and eggs were insignificant without salt. It would be like saying "Kissing a man without a pair of filthy clogs, a grey wool hat and a deltoid tattoo of the European recycling symbol is like eating tofu salad without organic capers." That would only really make sense in a few square miles of Portland, Oregon, USA, present day.

Personally, I like salt on egg dishes but I think mustaches are more frequently a mistake than a success (see prior post), so I do not support this statement. On the other hand, if Humpty Dumpty (pre-fall), had a mustache, was hard-boiled and I was very, very hungry, I might consider peeling him and making egg salad. With capers. And smoked paprika. And a lot of salt. Yum.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Recession Remedies: Scraping the Barrel

We could all use some hints on how to spend a little less money these days. What are your recommendations for fashion on a budget?

There are a gazillion semi-realistic answers to this questions, such as: join a nudist colony, stay in bed, or turn your curtains into a ballgown (a la Scarlet O'Hara). However, if you live in a cold climate, are prone to bedsores, or your windows are cursed with vertical blinds, here are some other options:

1. Ruthless Reduction: Take stock of your current wardrobe. What is gathering dust (or mold) in your closet? Why do you never wear it? Take those pants that make your rump resemble a lumpy piñata and donate them to charity. The shirt with stinky yellow sweat stains under the arms and grease on the hem belongs in the garbage. That guilt-inducing pumpkin and brown houndstooth check scarf your mother-in-law gave you should live in the trunk of your car in case you drive off a cliff, cut off your arm and require a tourniquet. In short, get rid off the stuff that is either unflattering, ruined or ugly. You'll feel better knowing that you only have clothes you like, and that someone less fortunate than you is happily wearing your rejects. Charity is the new black.
2. Mix and Match: Okay, you're down to the the clothes you do wear and the clothes that you don't wear but are perfectly serviceable. Now you get to play a game of mix and match. Take those jeans you always wear, and hold them up to that fantastic green shirt embroidered with a possum that's been languishing in your dresser for six years - why, what a wonderful outfit! Hang them in your closet together where you can see them. Grab those fabulous purple suede platform shoes you wear every Thursday and scrutinize them next to those flattering parachute pants you never wear and ask yourself why not. If you don't feel nauseous, you've got a match! Hang up the pants in the closet, and put your shoes right under them to remind you to wear them together. Continue mixing and matching, and behold, you suddenly have an interesting new wardrobe without having spent a dime.
3. Shirtburger Helper™: After your game of mix and match, wash your face, gargle, pop a Tums, and see what's left. How about your cherished black t-shirt that's perfect in all ways except it barely covers your ribcage? Well, if you have sewing skills or a friend who sews (who pities you or owes you money), you're in luck! Ingredients: one (1) shirt that is too short; one (1) extra shirt that you can't quite bear to get rid of, but the color next to your face makes you look dead. Instructions: cut the bottom off the extra shirt, and sew it to the bottom hem of the too-short shirt. Behold your new unique shirt! If you actually measured everything and sewed it together decently, you might not even look like a homeless orphan with scabies!
4. Sale Shopping: If steps 1-3 haven't fulfilled your greedy little needs, it's time to resort to shopping. No, you don't get to go to your favorite store and buy full price items and then take yourself out to sushi as a reward for being such a good shopper. Instead, you are going to learn how to shop on the cheap without necessarily looking cheap. Some options for reduced price, good brand clothing: Sierra Trading Post, consignment stores where fancy people sell their barely worn clothes and Overstock are a few of my personal favorites. Frequently you can find off colors, seconds with imperceptible flaws or simply clothing that didn't sell well and is being discontinued. BUYER BEWARE: In the past, outlet malls were a good bet, but I've found that national brand stores now create criminally designed lines of clothing specifically for their outlets. I call that cheating.

There. You now have all my wonderful secrets at your disposal. Why do I share these with you? Well, if you look lousy, I go through the classic fashion failure stages of pity, depression and ultimately sheer fury. So if not for yourself, get yourself together for my well being. Thank you for your cooperation.

XO,
Ms.Chief