Key(hole) To the Kingdom

Q: I just bought a really nice shirt with a keyhole neckline. The keyhole is pretty modest, so is it appropriate to wear to my office?

A: "No cleavage, no problem" is my general rule of thumb for judging whether a shirt is office-appropriate. Excluded from this truism are the corporate offices of naughty magazines that might approve of revealing keyholes (see photo), and also Dutch Door shirts for that matter (have those been invented yet?).

You raise an interesting point about the power of suggestion. For example, a solid door with a keyhole in the doorknob does not inspire a peek, whereas a keyhole cut into the door itself begs for an eyeballing. So even if you are wearing a convent-approved keyhole shirt, be aware that certain individuals with active imaginations and repressed upbringings are most assuredly obsessing about the window of opportunity behind Door Number One.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Speed(o) Demons: The Low Down

While on vacation in Kauai last month, I ate seared Ahi and fresh mangoes, snorkeled daily and gave serious consideration to what kind of guy should (and should not) wear small underwear-like bikini swimsuits, known as Speedos.

I'd always believed that only well-muscled athletes should wear tiny trunks. A European tourist completely redefined my criteria for Speedo success. Every day, this guy (pictured) lumbered into the surf in a small blue suit, orange water wings and goggles. Somehow, he managed to look fabulous.

I returned to the mainland convinced that there is room in the proverbial Speedo for all ages and shapes of men, as long as their skin is:

A) Smooth. Hirsute fellows just make a Speedo look defeated. The poor tiny suit can't possibly be expected to gracefully restrain all that lower back fur.

B) Taut. Sure, a nice tight musculature is ideal, but fat is fine, as long as it's contained tightly within (preferably tan) skin. Saggy or jiggly need not apply.

Of course the fit of the suit is crucial. Too loose or too tight carry the same risk of eye-burning spillage. But really, it all comes down to skin.

There it is. The skinny on Speedos. I never want to discuss this again.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Double Standard Revealed

Q: A friend of mine is well endowed but really likes to wear low-cut cowl neck sweaters to work. Recently, she made a find that gives her the appropriate amount of modesty required at work – sweaters with built in “naked” mesh. You know, the mesh used in figure skating costumes to make skaters look like their skin is bedazzled? Though her outfits are now of the more modest sort, I can’t help but want to hold up judging numbers as she reminds me of Nancy Kerrigan. Should I tell her that she looks like she is going for Olympic gold or just be happy that I don’t have to be exposed to her tatas on a regular basis?

A: When I was 15, I was sent to Catholic girl's school in Spain (insert inappropriate jokes here). All the girls were required to wear white shirts with collars, gray plaid skirts, blue socks and blue shoes. Certain girls wore white shirts unbuttoned to their sternums, skirts hemmed to dizzying heights, sheer blue stockings and blue stiletto heels. Your friend seems to be playing a similar game, but in the workplace and with a weird figure skating theme. I personally find nude modesty mesh rather disconcerting - it makes me stare all the harder to figure out if I'm seeing human flesh or weird sparkly alien skin. Your friend should either wear something with a neckline in the vicinity of her neck or ditch the pretense of modesty and go for the gold. It isn't fair to the world to play it both ways. After all, if someone came up to me at a party bearing a delicious plate of sushi, I would be extremely sad if it turned out to be plastic display food.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Shear Perfection

Dear Readers:
This is the best ad for the best hair salon in Kauai that I have ever seen. I love this ad because the owner has a classic rock and roll haircut that speaks of moonlight, idealism, fragrant orange blossoms and perfection. Additionally, it is obvious that he confidently owns his mustache without hesitation.The ad copywriter did an exemplary job. We know that the salon owner has been cutting and styling hair for eight years in a small studio by himself. We can only assume that when he started cutting and styling eight years ago, his hair must have reached his ankles.

Rock on, Roy Strom.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Sleeve Peeve

Q: What are 3/4 length sleeves good for? Cold wrists? Lending the look of Frankenstein to an otherwise proportional person? But mostly, I want to know when will they go away?

A: No one is forcing you to wear 3/4 length sleeves. Most stores carry shirts in both full length and 3/4 length sleeves, so hop down off your cross and go to Target already.

I, for one, hope that 3/4 length sleeves remain available for the following reasons:

1. They are an excellent vehicle for showcasing my fascinating collection of bracelets
2. As a sloppy eater, I tend to dredge my soup with my cuffs
3. They are less tempting to use as surreptitious nose-wiping devices than full length sleeves

On the other hand, 3/4 sleeves are simply terrible for:

1. Cold, drafty environments
   
2. Very tall people who have trouble finding long enough clothing and just want a shirt with full length sleeves already
3. Individuals with appalling wrists (scabby rashes, bony outgrowths, poorly reasoned tattoos)
4. People who lack fascinating collections of bracelets

XO,
Ms.Chief

P.S. My friend Tim May has a shirt with accidental 3/4 length sleeves. It's a button down made for a full grown man with sleeves just maybe long enough for a seven year old boy. He calls it his alligator shirt (not as in Izod) because it is perfectly proportioned for an alligator.

Urban Truths: real life observations in 2009

2009 is winding down, and as a gift to you, I am going to share a selection of 20 real life observations I've made since October that I've tweeted forth on the interwebs in a hashtagged series called #UrbanTruth. Some are of these little gems are fashion related, some are not, but all are ridiculously true, courtesy of the all-too-authentic people and animals of Portland, OR USA.


Happy New Year and do your best to look consistently fabulous in 2010, or you may find yourself gracing the pages of Amazing Graceless.

1. #UrbanTruth Avian morning commute troubles: Blue Heron flying over the Morrison Bridge nearly collided with three geese right over my head. 9:58 AM Dec 23rd
2. #UrbanTruth There's a pug dog sitting in a chair in the office across the street. I caught it staring right at me before it looked away. 5:46 PM Dec 17th
3. #UrbanTruth Observed in downtown PDX: aging punk rocker type sporting Mariachi pants, motorcycle boots and a do-rag. Incongruously adorable. 3:15 PM Dec 16th
4. #UrbanTruth Perfectly pigeon-shaped man at bus stop clucking like a chicken at the pigeons. Remarkably, the pigeons seemed very interested. 1:55 PM Dec 16th
5. #UrbanTruth PDXers spend bank to look 3rd world. In rainstorm this AM: family of 3 in ponchos riding horse style on one very fancy bicycle. 11:59 AM Dec 15th
6. #UrbanTruth Who's crazier? The guy kayaking down the river in 20 degree weather, or me bike commuting in 5 shirts + 2 pairs of pants? 4:10 PM Dec 10th
7. #UrbanTruth Garbage man almost hit me with a stream of chewing tobacco spittle as I sailed past his truck on my bicycle. He missed. Phew. 4:07 PM Dec 10th
8. #UrbanTruth It's so cold in PDX that even dropkick dogs are wearing multiple layers: spotted a pug wearing a dog sweater under a dog jacket. 4:04 PM Dec 10th
   
9. #UrbanTruth Spotted on morning commute: large male cyclist old school clunker sporting equestrian helmet and sitting VERY upright indeed. 9:25 AM Nov 30th
10. #UrbanTruth Best unauthorized apartment building sign modification: "Murray Hill Manor" hilariously transformed to "Murray, Bill Manor" 8:56 AM Nov 25th
11. #UrbanTruth Man in biz suit attempting to cross street in front of lightrail train. Train moves forward, man sticks out tongue petulantly. 9:12 AM Nov 17th
12. #UrbanTruth Bike jockey in front of me today had threadbare spandex shorts and neither shame nor undergarments. Must gouge out mind's eye. 9:40 AM Nov 11th
13. #UrbanTruth 2 Japanese girls asked me directions - one hacking into a surgical mask, the other dragging on a cig. I heart ironic moments. 9:38 AM Nov 11th
14. #UrbanTruth Spotted: Man in Lexus enthusiastically excavating nose with finger + garbage man staring at him and shaking head in disgust. 5:51 PM Nov 3rd
15. #UrbanTruth I look at the office building across the street 12pm & see at least 4 people putting on coats in synch on different floors. Wow. 10:43 AM Oct 30th
16. #UrbanTruth Lady bent over poodle, watching it crap directly into baggie, her face 6" from dog butt, her own huge khaki-clad ass in the air. 12:37 PM Oct 24th
17. #UrbanTruth On a rainy PDX A.M. on the Hawthorne Bridge, free pancakes and coffee are being served to commuting cyclists off a camp stove. 9:53 AM Oct 21st
18. #UrbanTruth Polite people exist in the city. Today a man opened the door for me and my bike, and smiled happily when I ran over his foot. 10:19 PM Oct 19th
19. #UrbanTruth: people in the office building across the street really CAN see you in daylight. A man in a red sweater waved at me yesterday. 2:11 PM Oct 16th
    
20. #UrbanTruth: public stairways adjoining bridges are a magnet for individuals (or groups) with violent and persistent loss of bowel control. 8:53 AM Oct 16th

XO,
Ms.Chief

The skinny on skinny jeans: part 1

Q: I really like skinny jeans and knee high black leather boots, but my thighs are big, my gut is flabby and my behind looks like a state-fair-size prune. Is it okay for a bigger girl like me to squeeze into the denim, or should I consider wearing "mom jeans"?

A: Ahhhhhhh, I knew that skinny jeans would make an appearance on these pages before the end of the year. The uptick of humanity writhing around in spandex masquerading as denim made it inevitable that certain questions would arise.

From the way you describe yourself, you are obviously uncomfortable about the shape your size is in. Unless you feel great about being a big girl and flaunting it, skip the skinny jeans. Your lack of self-esteem will color the way people see you, and it won't be pretty. Even if you felt great about yourself, bisecting your un-pinlike pins with knee-high kicks will do nothing for the illusion of sleek length (see photo).

Mom Jeans are not a great clothing option unless you want to frame your middle America middle in light blue Costco denim. If you are trying to feel good about yourself in jeans, I suggest some fitted (but not sausage-casing tight) boot cut jeans in dark blue.

The real issue is that you need to get your self-esteem and physique into better shape, develop a personal style and stop shoehorning yourself into the fashion du jour, in this case skinny jeans with knee high boots, which make all but the slimmest girls resemble a poorly proportioned couch on perpetual sale in a cheap furniture store in the suburbs of a featureless town.

XO,
Ms.Chief