Denim Gone Wild

Q: At my job, we can wear jeans on Fridays as long as they're well maintained. I really think these jeans (pictured) are totally cute. Would they be okay for work?

A: If you're a sex worker attending a company-sponsored hayride, these jeans are perfect. However, if your professional responsibilities entail anything other than swinging around a pole, you may want to find yourself some denim that doesn't call to mind an encounter with questionable fluids.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Key(hole) To the Kingdom

Q: I just bought a really nice shirt with a keyhole neckline. The keyhole is pretty modest, so is it appropriate to wear to my office?

A: "No cleavage, no problem" is my general rule of thumb for judging whether a shirt is office-appropriate. Excluded from this truism are the corporate offices of naughty magazines that might approve of revealing keyholes (see photo), and also Dutch Door shirts for that matter (have those been invented yet?).

You raise an interesting point about the power of suggestion. For example, a solid door with a keyhole in the doorknob does not inspire a peek, whereas a keyhole cut into the door itself begs for an eyeballing. So even if you are wearing a convent-approved keyhole shirt, be aware that certain individuals with active imaginations and repressed upbringings are most assuredly obsessing about the window of opportunity behind Door Number One.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Double Standard Revealed

Q: A friend of mine is well endowed but really likes to wear low-cut cowl neck sweaters to work. Recently, she made a find that gives her the appropriate amount of modesty required at work – sweaters with built in “naked” mesh. You know, the mesh used in figure skating costumes to make skaters look like their skin is bedazzled? Though her outfits are now of the more modest sort, I can’t help but want to hold up judging numbers as she reminds me of Nancy Kerrigan. Should I tell her that she looks like she is going for Olympic gold or just be happy that I don’t have to be exposed to her tatas on a regular basis?

A: When I was 15, I was sent to Catholic girl's school in Spain (insert inappropriate jokes here). All the girls were required to wear white shirts with collars, gray plaid skirts, blue socks and blue shoes. Certain girls wore white shirts unbuttoned to their sternums, skirts hemmed to dizzying heights, sheer blue stockings and blue stiletto heels. Your friend seems to be playing a similar game, but in the workplace and with a weird figure skating theme. I personally find nude modesty mesh rather disconcerting - it makes me stare all the harder to figure out if I'm seeing human flesh or weird sparkly alien skin. Your friend should either wear something with a neckline in the vicinity of her neck or ditch the pretense of modesty and go for the gold. It isn't fair to the world to play it both ways. After all, if someone came up to me at a party bearing a delicious plate of sushi, I would be extremely sad if it turned out to be plastic display food.

XO,
Ms.Chief