1985 Regurgitated

Dear Ms.Chief,
The mailman just brought me a letter from 1985 asking that I return my outfit. Do I have to?
Love,
Desperately Seeking Identity

Dear Desperate,
Bundle up those acid washed skinny jeans in your giant metallic purse and go to the post office today, please. In order to further placate 1985 for stealing its pants and purse, you may want to throw in your cassette tape of the soundtrack to Goonies. You may keep the yellow shoes because they are sassy enough to transcend time.
XO,
Ms.Chief

P.S. Don't forget to incinerate your plaid resort-wear jacket that you "borrowed" from the deceased lady on the cruise ship. It smacks of mothballs and failed golf resorts in the Florida wetlands.

The skinny on skinny jeans: part 1

Q: I really like skinny jeans and knee high black leather boots, but my thighs are big, my gut is flabby and my behind looks like a state-fair-size prune. Is it okay for a bigger girl like me to squeeze into the denim, or should I consider wearing "mom jeans"?

A: Ahhhhhhh, I knew that skinny jeans would make an appearance on these pages before the end of the year. The uptick of humanity writhing around in spandex masquerading as denim made it inevitable that certain questions would arise.

From the way you describe yourself, you are obviously uncomfortable about the shape your size is in. Unless you feel great about being a big girl and flaunting it, skip the skinny jeans. Your lack of self-esteem will color the way people see you, and it won't be pretty. Even if you felt great about yourself, bisecting your un-pinlike pins with knee-high kicks will do nothing for the illusion of sleek length (see photo).

Mom Jeans are not a great clothing option unless you want to frame your middle America middle in light blue Costco denim. If you are trying to feel good about yourself in jeans, I suggest some fitted (but not sausage-casing tight) boot cut jeans in dark blue.

The real issue is that you need to get your self-esteem and physique into better shape, develop a personal style and stop shoehorning yourself into the fashion du jour, in this case skinny jeans with knee high boots, which make all but the slimmest girls resemble a poorly proportioned couch on perpetual sale in a cheap furniture store in the suburbs of a featureless town.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Mustache Mastery

You know how there are a select few who manage to look really awesome with a mustache instead of just creepy? Well my boyfriend considers himself part of the elite few. I, however, disagree. What are the rules for mustache owning, and would you consider the attached to be a photographic example of someone who looks distinguished with the aforementioned facial hair? Please advise. Sincerely, Stressed over 'Staches in Texas



Dear Stressed 'Staches,

Mustaches are all the rage right now. There has been far too much bandwidth dedicated to the mustache in the last year, including endless discussion about all the different types of mustaches available, whether you should always wear 1970s cop shades with ironic mustaches, and so forth.

Here's the thing: people who are ironic about their mustaches secretly feel uncertain, embarrassed and infantilized by their own facial hair. Irony in personal appearance is a form of apology 98% of the time.

This is not to say that your adorable boyfriend is insecure or apologetic. He might have all the confidence in the world about sporting that humpbacked caterpillar that is drawing and quartering his face, but it looks silly on him. He should either be clean-shaven or stick to a full beard. He could try a Fu Manchu, but definitely send me a photo before he leaves the house, and I'll let you know one way or the other.

It all comes down to this: mustaches are like burly, aggressive, leg-humping, child-munching dogs. Either you own it, tame it, and the world admires you, or it owns you and ruins your reputation. Some helpful examples follow:


Behold the archetypal insecure ironic mustache. This boy-man is hiding behind his cop shades, a beer and an admittedly nicely shaped 'stache, but he also looks like mommy gives him allowance that he guiltily uses to buy weed instead of clean socks, and I suspect he has a Japanese tattoo on his calf that he thinks means "bedroom eyes" but really spells "bed wetter".








Love him or hate him, Tom Selleck has full control and ownership over his mustache. Just look: His mustache obviously lives to serve him, and it suits his face. Oh, proud membership in the NRA doesn't necessarily make you a viable mustache owner - it just happens to be a coincidence in this case.










Sir Paul is just not cut out for a mustache. (I have no idea how he was ever considered a sex symbol, and now that he is old and dyes his hair he looks like an aging society lady with a poodle tucked away in a basket in a cottage somewhere.) As US Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said in 1964, "Hard-core pornography is hard to define, but I know it when I see it." To paraphrase Justice Stewart, convincing mustache ownership is hard to define, but I know it when I see it, and Paul McCartney never convinced me that he could handle a mustache.





Yes, yes, yes. John Waters 100% owns his mustache. He gets bonus points because he cuts an ironic figure, but does so with supreme confidence.












In all fairness, John Travolta grew his 'stache for a movie role, but I certainly hope he's shaved it off, because he looks like a suburban dad who decided to impress his kid's football team by trying to look like a jailbird in 1975. It just doesn't work with his face, plus he looks more like the jailbird's girlfriend with that prissy grin.





Salvador Dalí had a mustache that matched his artwork and his big old crazy personality. His mustache was theater, and he rocked it.








Personally, I don't appreciate a mustachioed lady. However, Frida Kalho wore her lip-pet with aplomb and featured it in her self-portraiture. Although she would have been much more attractive without it, she was clearly confident, which is the only thing that made it viable.











So, in conclusion, mustaches work for people who are confident, strong and have chosen the right mustache style for their face. Confidence and strength can overcome poor choice in mustache, but without total confidence, the mustache holds the cards and the crowds smirk knowingly.

XO,
Ms.Chief

P.S. An Amazing Graceless fan emailed me a fabulous mustache qualification summary. Thank you, SM in St. Louis: "There are 3 simple questions that can help in making the decision to sport a mustache. 1. Are you the Sheriff of a small town? 2. Are you trying to thwart the efforts of a small town sheriff? 3. Is your name Magnum, Bandit or Sundance? A "Yes" answer to any of these is the confirmation that you are looking for."