Portland Blues Festival Stereotypes

1) Hipster youth in winter hats looking slightly unhappy

2) Guy in hiking boots & shorts duck dancing: knees bent, ass out

3) Drunk lady in flowery sundress & white sneakers who sings along & acts surprised when you tell her you came to hear the performers

4) Guy in Rock Revival jeans, cowboy hat & obscenely long goatee

5) Group of bikers wearing Sturgis t-shirts with horrible sunburns and teeth that rival British stereotypes

6) Lady w/ skin 40 years older than her LA-made spherical boobs w/ boyfriend wearing loafers sans socks

7) On the West Coast Swing dance floor, guy with an asymmetrical haircut and capri pants attempts to do Kevin Bacon's dance routine from Footloose, then falls down


8) Sour couple in huge straw hats sitting and reading the newspaper - during a great show by Robert Cray

1985 Regurgitated

Dear Ms.Chief,
The mailman just brought me a letter from 1985 asking that I return my outfit. Do I have to?
Love,
Desperately Seeking Identity

Dear Desperate,
Bundle up those acid washed skinny jeans in your giant metallic purse and go to the post office today, please. In order to further placate 1985 for stealing its pants and purse, you may want to throw in your cassette tape of the soundtrack to Goonies. You may keep the yellow shoes because they are sassy enough to transcend time.
XO,
Ms.Chief

P.S. Don't forget to incinerate your plaid resort-wear jacket that you "borrowed" from the deceased lady on the cruise ship. It smacks of mothballs and failed golf resorts in the Florida wetlands.