Speed(o) Demons: The Low Down

While on vacation in Kauai last month, I ate seared Ahi and fresh mangoes, snorkeled daily and gave serious consideration to what kind of guy should (and should not) wear small underwear-like bikini swimsuits, known as Speedos.

I'd always believed that only well-muscled athletes should wear tiny trunks. A European tourist completely redefined my criteria for Speedo success. Every day, this guy (pictured) lumbered into the surf in a small blue suit, orange water wings and goggles. Somehow, he managed to look fabulous.

I returned to the mainland convinced that there is room in the proverbial Speedo for all ages and shapes of men, as long as their skin is:

A) Smooth. Hirsute fellows just make a Speedo look defeated. The poor tiny suit can't possibly be expected to gracefully restrain all that lower back fur.

B) Taut. Sure, a nice tight musculature is ideal, but fat is fine, as long as it's contained tightly within (preferably tan) skin. Saggy or jiggly need not apply.

Of course the fit of the suit is crucial. Too loose or too tight carry the same risk of eye-burning spillage. But really, it all comes down to skin.

There it is. The skinny on Speedos. I never want to discuss this again.

XO,
Ms.Chief

The skinny on skinny jeans: part 1

Q: I really like skinny jeans and knee high black leather boots, but my thighs are big, my gut is flabby and my behind looks like a state-fair-size prune. Is it okay for a bigger girl like me to squeeze into the denim, or should I consider wearing "mom jeans"?

A: Ahhhhhhh, I knew that skinny jeans would make an appearance on these pages before the end of the year. The uptick of humanity writhing around in spandex masquerading as denim made it inevitable that certain questions would arise.

From the way you describe yourself, you are obviously uncomfortable about the shape your size is in. Unless you feel great about being a big girl and flaunting it, skip the skinny jeans. Your lack of self-esteem will color the way people see you, and it won't be pretty. Even if you felt great about yourself, bisecting your un-pinlike pins with knee-high kicks will do nothing for the illusion of sleek length (see photo).

Mom Jeans are not a great clothing option unless you want to frame your middle America middle in light blue Costco denim. If you are trying to feel good about yourself in jeans, I suggest some fitted (but not sausage-casing tight) boot cut jeans in dark blue.

The real issue is that you need to get your self-esteem and physique into better shape, develop a personal style and stop shoehorning yourself into the fashion du jour, in this case skinny jeans with knee high boots, which make all but the slimmest girls resemble a poorly proportioned couch on perpetual sale in a cheap furniture store in the suburbs of a featureless town.

XO,
Ms.Chief