Urban Truths: real life observations in 2009

2009 is winding down, and as a gift to you, I am going to share a selection of 20 real life observations I've made since October that I've tweeted forth on the interwebs in a hashtagged series called #UrbanTruth. Some are of these little gems are fashion related, some are not, but all are ridiculously true, courtesy of the all-too-authentic people and animals of Portland, OR USA.


Happy New Year and do your best to look consistently fabulous in 2010, or you may find yourself gracing the pages of Amazing Graceless.

1. #UrbanTruth Avian morning commute troubles: Blue Heron flying over the Morrison Bridge nearly collided with three geese right over my head. 9:58 AM Dec 23rd
2. #UrbanTruth There's a pug dog sitting in a chair in the office across the street. I caught it staring right at me before it looked away. 5:46 PM Dec 17th
3. #UrbanTruth Observed in downtown PDX: aging punk rocker type sporting Mariachi pants, motorcycle boots and a do-rag. Incongruously adorable. 3:15 PM Dec 16th
4. #UrbanTruth Perfectly pigeon-shaped man at bus stop clucking like a chicken at the pigeons. Remarkably, the pigeons seemed very interested. 1:55 PM Dec 16th
5. #UrbanTruth PDXers spend bank to look 3rd world. In rainstorm this AM: family of 3 in ponchos riding horse style on one very fancy bicycle. 11:59 AM Dec 15th
6. #UrbanTruth Who's crazier? The guy kayaking down the river in 20 degree weather, or me bike commuting in 5 shirts + 2 pairs of pants? 4:10 PM Dec 10th
7. #UrbanTruth Garbage man almost hit me with a stream of chewing tobacco spittle as I sailed past his truck on my bicycle. He missed. Phew. 4:07 PM Dec 10th
8. #UrbanTruth It's so cold in PDX that even dropkick dogs are wearing multiple layers: spotted a pug wearing a dog sweater under a dog jacket. 4:04 PM Dec 10th
   
9. #UrbanTruth Spotted on morning commute: large male cyclist old school clunker sporting equestrian helmet and sitting VERY upright indeed. 9:25 AM Nov 30th
10. #UrbanTruth Best unauthorized apartment building sign modification: "Murray Hill Manor" hilariously transformed to "Murray, Bill Manor" 8:56 AM Nov 25th
11. #UrbanTruth Man in biz suit attempting to cross street in front of lightrail train. Train moves forward, man sticks out tongue petulantly. 9:12 AM Nov 17th
12. #UrbanTruth Bike jockey in front of me today had threadbare spandex shorts and neither shame nor undergarments. Must gouge out mind's eye. 9:40 AM Nov 11th
13. #UrbanTruth 2 Japanese girls asked me directions - one hacking into a surgical mask, the other dragging on a cig. I heart ironic moments. 9:38 AM Nov 11th
14. #UrbanTruth Spotted: Man in Lexus enthusiastically excavating nose with finger + garbage man staring at him and shaking head in disgust. 5:51 PM Nov 3rd
15. #UrbanTruth I look at the office building across the street 12pm & see at least 4 people putting on coats in synch on different floors. Wow. 10:43 AM Oct 30th
16. #UrbanTruth Lady bent over poodle, watching it crap directly into baggie, her face 6" from dog butt, her own huge khaki-clad ass in the air. 12:37 PM Oct 24th
17. #UrbanTruth On a rainy PDX A.M. on the Hawthorne Bridge, free pancakes and coffee are being served to commuting cyclists off a camp stove. 9:53 AM Oct 21st
18. #UrbanTruth Polite people exist in the city. Today a man opened the door for me and my bike, and smiled happily when I ran over his foot. 10:19 PM Oct 19th
19. #UrbanTruth: people in the office building across the street really CAN see you in daylight. A man in a red sweater waved at me yesterday. 2:11 PM Oct 16th
    
20. #UrbanTruth: public stairways adjoining bridges are a magnet for individuals (or groups) with violent and persistent loss of bowel control. 8:53 AM Oct 16th

XO,
Ms.Chief

...and turtlenecks for all mankind?

Q: Is it appropriate for someone who is not a chiseled blonde Norwegian god to wear a turtleneck shirt? Not a sweater, mind you. One of those stretchy turtleneck shirts.

A: Whoa there, cowboy. Shouldn't you be asking the question of why humans would want to willingly emulate a saggy neck foreskin sported by a reptile that first made an appearance on earth 215 million years ago? The turtle is a sincerely gorgeous creature in its own right, but really, why would a human want to take on characteristics of a turtle's neck any more than turtles would want to, say, have human feet and wear ballerina flats? That's the larger issue at play here.

But since you ask, turtleneck wearing is not limited (in humans) to chiseled blonde Norwegian god-like fellows. Any fit man of celestial proportions (cultural heritage and hair color non-withstanding) tends to look better in a turtleneck than ordinary guys. See, turtleneck shirts mercilessly show off your body from neck to waist in a very frank manner. So if you have long skinny neck and a potbelly, your favorite brown turtleneck might well make you look like a pregnant dik-dik. If your chest is a pirate's dream (sunken) and you have rounded little apologetic shoulders, that turtleneck in which you cower will only emphasize your victim-like stature. And if you have even the slightest case of gynecomastia, you will absolutely look like a wannabe pin-up girl.

Then we get into whether turtleneck shirts, even on those godly types, are all that attractive. You might say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but let me make myself clear: if you think that the turtleneck is a nifty garment, you are unequivocally incorrect. Case studies:

• A turtleneck with a blazer (generally sported by the professorial crowd) looks like the wearer thinks he is being all daring and casual underneath his establishment sportscoat. He's not - he just looks like some 1970s prep school kid who majored in sailing and snorting other people's cocaine, went on to predictably earn an MBA or a PhD and never really formed his own ideas about the world.
  
• A black turtleneck with jeans is nearly visually acceptable on those god-like guys, but it smacks of beatnik poseurism that somehow got adopted by L.L. Bean-wearing suburbanites, which would surely cause William S. Burroughs to turn over in his grave and reach for a drink (or worse).
• A light-colored turtleneck functions as a stage starring one set of nipples and some chest hair in a boring off- off- off-Broadway production. It also shows off all manner of food stains.

Oh, and spare me the argument that turtleneck shirts are practical because they keep a person warm. So does indoor heating and proper outerwear. And finally, before you bother asking about mock turtlenecks, why, after reading this treatise, would you even consider wearing an imitation of an ill-advised shirt? Skip the turtleneck. That's all.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Attired Animals

Why do people put clothes on animals? I think it’s weird.

Dear Animal Naturalist,

Just the other day I saw a pug in a pink sleeveless hoodie. I didn’t know what to think. It was cute yet wrong, much like the pug itself. Did you know that pugs have their very own type of encephalitis which causes them to have seizures? That’s the result of too much inbreeding. Maybe those dogs should wear a hoodie for their own good. Anyway, I digress.

Kids put clothes on everything remotely alive. When I was a kid, I would dress up fruits and vegetables. Don’t ask me why - I have no idea. Grownups who dress up animals are a different matter. Perhaps they don’t have children and wish they did. Perhaps they do have children and wish the children were animals because animals don’t pick their own clothes and you can keep them on a leash throughout their lives. It is also possible that some of the grownups who do this are secretly wannabe cross dressers and they are taking it out on their pets.

I once knew a woman who had a pet goose as a child. They would put the goose in a diaper and it would sit on the couch and watch TV. I’m not kidding. It’s not a suburban myth. But at least the reason the goose was wearing a diaper was so it wouldn’t crap on the couch. I have no idea why the goose was in the house and why it watched TV.

So it is weird that people dress up animals, but they have all different reasons.

Now back to inbreeding: What I want to know is why people think inbreeding animals for the purity of the breed is acceptable, but you aren’t supposed to have children with your siblings? That seems like a double standard.

XO,
Adj.