...and turtlenecks for all mankind?

Q: Is it appropriate for someone who is not a chiseled blonde Norwegian god to wear a turtleneck shirt? Not a sweater, mind you. One of those stretchy turtleneck shirts.

A: Whoa there, cowboy. Shouldn't you be asking the question of why humans would want to willingly emulate a saggy neck foreskin sported by a reptile that first made an appearance on earth 215 million years ago? The turtle is a sincerely gorgeous creature in its own right, but really, why would a human want to take on characteristics of a turtle's neck any more than turtles would want to, say, have human feet and wear ballerina flats? That's the larger issue at play here.

But since you ask, turtleneck wearing is not limited (in humans) to chiseled blonde Norwegian god-like fellows. Any fit man of celestial proportions (cultural heritage and hair color non-withstanding) tends to look better in a turtleneck than ordinary guys. See, turtleneck shirts mercilessly show off your body from neck to waist in a very frank manner. So if you have long skinny neck and a potbelly, your favorite brown turtleneck might well make you look like a pregnant dik-dik. If your chest is a pirate's dream (sunken) and you have rounded little apologetic shoulders, that turtleneck in which you cower will only emphasize your victim-like stature. And if you have even the slightest case of gynecomastia, you will absolutely look like a wannabe pin-up girl.

Then we get into whether turtleneck shirts, even on those godly types, are all that attractive. You might say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but let me make myself clear: if you think that the turtleneck is a nifty garment, you are unequivocally incorrect. Case studies:

• A turtleneck with a blazer (generally sported by the professorial crowd) looks like the wearer thinks he is being all daring and casual underneath his establishment sportscoat. He's not - he just looks like some 1970s prep school kid who majored in sailing and snorting other people's cocaine, went on to predictably earn an MBA or a PhD and never really formed his own ideas about the world.
  
• A black turtleneck with jeans is nearly visually acceptable on those god-like guys, but it smacks of beatnik poseurism that somehow got adopted by L.L. Bean-wearing suburbanites, which would surely cause William S. Burroughs to turn over in his grave and reach for a drink (or worse).
• A light-colored turtleneck functions as a stage starring one set of nipples and some chest hair in a boring off- off- off-Broadway production. It also shows off all manner of food stains.

Oh, and spare me the argument that turtleneck shirts are practical because they keep a person warm. So does indoor heating and proper outerwear. And finally, before you bother asking about mock turtlenecks, why, after reading this treatise, would you even consider wearing an imitation of an ill-advised shirt? Skip the turtleneck. That's all.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Collars of the Rainbow

What do you think of "popped" collars? Not to influence your opinion, but examples galore.

Dear Preppy Curious,

I’m going to tell you a history of the popped collar: Once upon a time in the late 1970s, there lived a young boy in a swanky Miami apartment, which was a pastel predictor of Tony Montana’s home in Scarface (1983). The walls were smothered in textured mauve wallpaper, the white pleather couches resembled Beluga whales and the glass and brass tables were graced with dusty arrangements of blue plastic roses. The boy’s mother and father were neglectful at best, frequently occupied with inhaling another kind of dust off the tables while the boy sat curled up in his Papasan Chair dreaming of parents without DUIs or STDs baking apple pie and chocolate chip cookies and teaching him how to bow hunt on the weekends. Every morning, the boy would shrug on his private school uniform and wander off to school after waving goodbye to his mother who was already sucking down Moscow Mules barely dressed in fur mules and a flammable polyester dressing gown that was a little too short for the apartment balcony. The parental neglect in the Getting Dressed Department also translated to the collar of the boy’s private school uniform remaining flipped up (popped) when he went to school. As the boy got older and his father’s septum disintegrated and his mother swam further into the bottom of a bottle, he found that the popped collar not only made him look a little like Count Dracula, which appealed to the girls (and boys), but was a fantastic hickey hider that had the bonus of gaining him the leering admiration of his schoolmates. With the help of a drab tutor (who wouldn’t have known a hickey if it leaped up and hit him on the head with a squeaky dog toy shaped like a bee), the boy somehow graduated from high school and a family friend who felt sorry for him got him a job on the set of Miami Vice as Junior Assistant to the Associate Costume Designer. The Senior Costume Designer saw the boy’s popped collar (didn’t make the connection with hickeys or Count Dracula), thought it looked swell, and behold, Don Johnson’s unstructured jacket with pushed up sleeves and wrinkled popped collar was born.

So what do I think of popped collars? They look great on Count von Count from Sesame Street.

XO,
Adj.