...and turtlenecks for all mankind?

Q: Is it appropriate for someone who is not a chiseled blonde Norwegian god to wear a turtleneck shirt? Not a sweater, mind you. One of those stretchy turtleneck shirts.

A: Whoa there, cowboy. Shouldn't you be asking the question of why humans would want to willingly emulate a saggy neck foreskin sported by a reptile that first made an appearance on earth 215 million years ago? The turtle is a sincerely gorgeous creature in its own right, but really, why would a human want to take on characteristics of a turtle's neck any more than turtles would want to, say, have human feet and wear ballerina flats? That's the larger issue at play here.

But since you ask, turtleneck wearing is not limited (in humans) to chiseled blonde Norwegian god-like fellows. Any fit man of celestial proportions (cultural heritage and hair color non-withstanding) tends to look better in a turtleneck than ordinary guys. See, turtleneck shirts mercilessly show off your body from neck to waist in a very frank manner. So if you have long skinny neck and a potbelly, your favorite brown turtleneck might well make you look like a pregnant dik-dik. If your chest is a pirate's dream (sunken) and you have rounded little apologetic shoulders, that turtleneck in which you cower will only emphasize your victim-like stature. And if you have even the slightest case of gynecomastia, you will absolutely look like a wannabe pin-up girl.

Then we get into whether turtleneck shirts, even on those godly types, are all that attractive. You might say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but let me make myself clear: if you think that the turtleneck is a nifty garment, you are unequivocally incorrect. Case studies:

• A turtleneck with a blazer (generally sported by the professorial crowd) looks like the wearer thinks he is being all daring and casual underneath his establishment sportscoat. He's not - he just looks like some 1970s prep school kid who majored in sailing and snorting other people's cocaine, went on to predictably earn an MBA or a PhD and never really formed his own ideas about the world.
  
• A black turtleneck with jeans is nearly visually acceptable on those god-like guys, but it smacks of beatnik poseurism that somehow got adopted by L.L. Bean-wearing suburbanites, which would surely cause William S. Burroughs to turn over in his grave and reach for a drink (or worse).
• A light-colored turtleneck functions as a stage starring one set of nipples and some chest hair in a boring off- off- off-Broadway production. It also shows off all manner of food stains.

Oh, and spare me the argument that turtleneck shirts are practical because they keep a person warm. So does indoor heating and proper outerwear. And finally, before you bother asking about mock turtlenecks, why, after reading this treatise, would you even consider wearing an imitation of an ill-advised shirt? Skip the turtleneck. That's all.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Mustache + Egg = Huh?

Q: Do you support the statement, "Kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt"? Please explain your answer.

A: If I were a U.S. Supreme Court Nominee in the midst of confirmation hearings, I would say that without further study of prior related cases and knowledge of state laws in which this incident occurred, I cannot answer the question.

However, no one has asked me if I'd like to be considered for the Supreme Court (their mistake). Here's your answer: This non sequitur was made in a specific cultural/historical context - apparently it was all the rage for men to have mustaches, and eggs were insignificant without salt. It would be like saying "Kissing a man without a pair of filthy clogs, a grey wool hat and a deltoid tattoo of the European recycling symbol is like eating tofu salad without organic capers." That would only really make sense in a few square miles of Portland, Oregon, USA, present day.

Personally, I like salt on egg dishes but I think mustaches are more frequently a mistake than a success (see prior post), so I do not support this statement. On the other hand, if Humpty Dumpty (pre-fall), had a mustache, was hard-boiled and I was very, very hungry, I might consider peeling him and making egg salad. With capers. And smoked paprika. And a lot of salt. Yum.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Mustache Mastery

You know how there are a select few who manage to look really awesome with a mustache instead of just creepy? Well my boyfriend considers himself part of the elite few. I, however, disagree. What are the rules for mustache owning, and would you consider the attached to be a photographic example of someone who looks distinguished with the aforementioned facial hair? Please advise. Sincerely, Stressed over 'Staches in Texas



Dear Stressed 'Staches,

Mustaches are all the rage right now. There has been far too much bandwidth dedicated to the mustache in the last year, including endless discussion about all the different types of mustaches available, whether you should always wear 1970s cop shades with ironic mustaches, and so forth.

Here's the thing: people who are ironic about their mustaches secretly feel uncertain, embarrassed and infantilized by their own facial hair. Irony in personal appearance is a form of apology 98% of the time.

This is not to say that your adorable boyfriend is insecure or apologetic. He might have all the confidence in the world about sporting that humpbacked caterpillar that is drawing and quartering his face, but it looks silly on him. He should either be clean-shaven or stick to a full beard. He could try a Fu Manchu, but definitely send me a photo before he leaves the house, and I'll let you know one way or the other.

It all comes down to this: mustaches are like burly, aggressive, leg-humping, child-munching dogs. Either you own it, tame it, and the world admires you, or it owns you and ruins your reputation. Some helpful examples follow:


Behold the archetypal insecure ironic mustache. This boy-man is hiding behind his cop shades, a beer and an admittedly nicely shaped 'stache, but he also looks like mommy gives him allowance that he guiltily uses to buy weed instead of clean socks, and I suspect he has a Japanese tattoo on his calf that he thinks means "bedroom eyes" but really spells "bed wetter".








Love him or hate him, Tom Selleck has full control and ownership over his mustache. Just look: His mustache obviously lives to serve him, and it suits his face. Oh, proud membership in the NRA doesn't necessarily make you a viable mustache owner - it just happens to be a coincidence in this case.










Sir Paul is just not cut out for a mustache. (I have no idea how he was ever considered a sex symbol, and now that he is old and dyes his hair he looks like an aging society lady with a poodle tucked away in a basket in a cottage somewhere.) As US Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said in 1964, "Hard-core pornography is hard to define, but I know it when I see it." To paraphrase Justice Stewart, convincing mustache ownership is hard to define, but I know it when I see it, and Paul McCartney never convinced me that he could handle a mustache.





Yes, yes, yes. John Waters 100% owns his mustache. He gets bonus points because he cuts an ironic figure, but does so with supreme confidence.












In all fairness, John Travolta grew his 'stache for a movie role, but I certainly hope he's shaved it off, because he looks like a suburban dad who decided to impress his kid's football team by trying to look like a jailbird in 1975. It just doesn't work with his face, plus he looks more like the jailbird's girlfriend with that prissy grin.





Salvador Dalí had a mustache that matched his artwork and his big old crazy personality. His mustache was theater, and he rocked it.








Personally, I don't appreciate a mustachioed lady. However, Frida Kalho wore her lip-pet with aplomb and featured it in her self-portraiture. Although she would have been much more attractive without it, she was clearly confident, which is the only thing that made it viable.











So, in conclusion, mustaches work for people who are confident, strong and have chosen the right mustache style for their face. Confidence and strength can overcome poor choice in mustache, but without total confidence, the mustache holds the cards and the crowds smirk knowingly.

XO,
Ms.Chief

P.S. An Amazing Graceless fan emailed me a fabulous mustache qualification summary. Thank you, SM in St. Louis: "There are 3 simple questions that can help in making the decision to sport a mustache. 1. Are you the Sheriff of a small town? 2. Are you trying to thwart the efforts of a small town sheriff? 3. Is your name Magnum, Bandit or Sundance? A "Yes" answer to any of these is the confirmation that you are looking for."

Bow tie bravado: how big is too big?

How big can a bow tie be, before it is ungodly enormous?

First of all, thanks to Joe S. of Portland, OR (pictured center) for this timely tax day question:

If any of the following are true, your bow tie needs to see a surgeon immediately:

If you bow tie could fly, it could easily carry the weight of your head

A fruit bat appears to be eating your Adam's Apple

Your bow tie dwarfs Elvis' sunglasses during his bloated, pre-death white jumpsuit days

W (width) > 1/20 x YH (your height) in SF (stocking feet)

Signs of a successful bow tie:

• It should be slightly thicker than John Waters' mustache, but not much
• It is either a solid color or has an abstract pattern (no rocking horses or paisleys, thank you)
• It is wider than your mouth when closed and unsmiling, but not as wide as your forehead
• You don't wear it every day unless it is part of a uniform (blackjack dealer, bartender, jockey, doorman, Chippendale dancer, etc.)
• If it is not part of a uniform and you are not a humanities professor or an Oregon senator, you only wear it willingly with a tuxedo

XO,
Ms.Chief

P.S. Nice shiny hair, Joe! Either you had a good Mediterranean diet rich in olive oil, or you indulged in 1970s shampoo rich in petrochemicals.

Recession Remedies: Scraping the Barrel

We could all use some hints on how to spend a little less money these days. What are your recommendations for fashion on a budget?

There are a gazillion semi-realistic answers to this questions, such as: join a nudist colony, stay in bed, or turn your curtains into a ballgown (a la Scarlet O'Hara). However, if you live in a cold climate, are prone to bedsores, or your windows are cursed with vertical blinds, here are some other options:

1. Ruthless Reduction: Take stock of your current wardrobe. What is gathering dust (or mold) in your closet? Why do you never wear it? Take those pants that make your rump resemble a lumpy piñata and donate them to charity. The shirt with stinky yellow sweat stains under the arms and grease on the hem belongs in the garbage. That guilt-inducing pumpkin and brown houndstooth check scarf your mother-in-law gave you should live in the trunk of your car in case you drive off a cliff, cut off your arm and require a tourniquet. In short, get rid off the stuff that is either unflattering, ruined or ugly. You'll feel better knowing that you only have clothes you like, and that someone less fortunate than you is happily wearing your rejects. Charity is the new black.
2. Mix and Match: Okay, you're down to the the clothes you do wear and the clothes that you don't wear but are perfectly serviceable. Now you get to play a game of mix and match. Take those jeans you always wear, and hold them up to that fantastic green shirt embroidered with a possum that's been languishing in your dresser for six years - why, what a wonderful outfit! Hang them in your closet together where you can see them. Grab those fabulous purple suede platform shoes you wear every Thursday and scrutinize them next to those flattering parachute pants you never wear and ask yourself why not. If you don't feel nauseous, you've got a match! Hang up the pants in the closet, and put your shoes right under them to remind you to wear them together. Continue mixing and matching, and behold, you suddenly have an interesting new wardrobe without having spent a dime.
3. Shirtburger Helper™: After your game of mix and match, wash your face, gargle, pop a Tums, and see what's left. How about your cherished black t-shirt that's perfect in all ways except it barely covers your ribcage? Well, if you have sewing skills or a friend who sews (who pities you or owes you money), you're in luck! Ingredients: one (1) shirt that is too short; one (1) extra shirt that you can't quite bear to get rid of, but the color next to your face makes you look dead. Instructions: cut the bottom off the extra shirt, and sew it to the bottom hem of the too-short shirt. Behold your new unique shirt! If you actually measured everything and sewed it together decently, you might not even look like a homeless orphan with scabies!
4. Sale Shopping: If steps 1-3 haven't fulfilled your greedy little needs, it's time to resort to shopping. No, you don't get to go to your favorite store and buy full price items and then take yourself out to sushi as a reward for being such a good shopper. Instead, you are going to learn how to shop on the cheap without necessarily looking cheap. Some options for reduced price, good brand clothing: Sierra Trading Post, consignment stores where fancy people sell their barely worn clothes and Overstock are a few of my personal favorites. Frequently you can find off colors, seconds with imperceptible flaws or simply clothing that didn't sell well and is being discontinued. BUYER BEWARE: In the past, outlet malls were a good bet, but I've found that national brand stores now create criminally designed lines of clothing specifically for their outlets. I call that cheating.

There. You now have all my wonderful secrets at your disposal. Why do I share these with you? Well, if you look lousy, I go through the classic fashion failure stages of pity, depression and ultimately sheer fury. So if not for yourself, get yourself together for my well being. Thank you for your cooperation.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Prosthetic Panache

Question: How should one accessorize a glass eye?

Answer: With a false eyelash.

Spandex: when, why, where, what and who?

Well, even superheros make mistakes, in this case, a misguided Spiderman wannabe poured into a spandex sausage casing snuggling up to the wall like an aging stripper in a 1974 B-movie.

The when, where, why, what and who of Spandex wearing needs some firm parameters, possibly even laws implemented on a federal level (we can’t trust states to make good decisions on this one).

APPROPRIATE:

• Very fit people racing bicycles very, very fast so you can’t see the details lurking beneath the fabric
  
• Headbanger bands comprised of malnourished old men with skullets
• Spandex only belongs in restaurants that feature a stage with a pole

INAPPROPRIATE:

• Red spandex shorts on anyone regardless of circumstance
• Worn out shorts that are embarrassingly transparent or baggy
• Anyone strolling about in public who is not playing a professional sport at the time of spandex-wearing

XO,
Ms.Chief