Birds, Bees & Buckskin

Dear Ms.Chief,
My awesome boyfriend bought us these buckskin outfits that we will always wear whenever we are together always. Forever, I mean. The problem is, I feel kind of torn up about it, because I am a political vegetarian since it's majorly wrong to take away an animal's skin and leave them standing there naked in the wild, all without skin and fur, because that's embarrassing for them in front of the other animals. My boyfriend says it's no big deal and I need to chill about it, because he got the buckskin outfits at Goodwill (we got the fleas out with clove cigarettes), and since they are second hand, that means the animals don't blame us personally for taking their skin. Is that true?
Peace out.

Dear Buckskin Betty,
I checked with my guru and mentor, Paul the Egg-laying Man Chicken, and he says that as long as you never think too hard about what happens when you take away an animal's skin, everything's going to be just fine.
XO,
Ms.Chief

Boat shoe blues

Dear Ms. Chief,

I know this is a bit too self revealing and probably perverse, but I do enjoy browsing the book section at Fred Meyer in my blue and cream boat shoes.

Any suggestions for an ensemble above the ankles?

Justin Case



Dear Mr. Case,

All you need is love and a good hardback.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Bow tie bravado: how big is too big?

How big can a bow tie be, before it is ungodly enormous?

First of all, thanks to Joe S. of Portland, OR (pictured center) for this timely tax day question:

If any of the following are true, your bow tie needs to see a surgeon immediately:

If you bow tie could fly, it could easily carry the weight of your head

A fruit bat appears to be eating your Adam's Apple

Your bow tie dwarfs Elvis' sunglasses during his bloated, pre-death white jumpsuit days

W (width) > 1/20 x YH (your height) in SF (stocking feet)

Signs of a successful bow tie:

• It should be slightly thicker than John Waters' mustache, but not much
• It is either a solid color or has an abstract pattern (no rocking horses or paisleys, thank you)
• It is wider than your mouth when closed and unsmiling, but not as wide as your forehead
• You don't wear it every day unless it is part of a uniform (blackjack dealer, bartender, jockey, doorman, Chippendale dancer, etc.)
• If it is not part of a uniform and you are not a humanities professor or an Oregon senator, you only wear it willingly with a tuxedo

XO,
Ms.Chief

P.S. Nice shiny hair, Joe! Either you had a good Mediterranean diet rich in olive oil, or you indulged in 1970s shampoo rich in petrochemicals.