Amazing Graceless

What's up, Portland?

2011-08-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

I've done what I can to keep you looking decent. It's high time I focused my attention on what everyone in Portland is up to.

Follow me to the Left Coast version of Brooklyn where you'll find lower rents, more tattoos and the exact same number of ironic mustaches: EveryoneInPortland.com

You're welcome.

XO,
MsChief

Portland Blues Festival Stereotypes

2011-07-04T14:14:00.000-07:00

1) Hipster youth in winter hats looking slightly unhappy

2) Guy in hiking boots & shorts duck dancing: knees bent, ass out

3) Drunk lady in flowery sundress & white sneakers who sings along & acts surprised when you tell her you came to hear the performers

4) Guy in Rock Revival jeans, cowboy hat & obscenely long goatee

5) Group of bikers wearing Sturgis t-shirts with horrible sunburns and teeth that rival British stereotypes

6) Lady w/ skin 40 years older than her LA-made spherical boobs w/ boyfriend wearing loafers sans socks

7) On the West Coast Swing dance floor, guy with an asymmetrical haircut and capri pants attempts to do Kevin Bacon's dance routine from Footloose, then falls down 

8) Sour couple in huge straw hats sitting and reading the newspaper - during a great show by Robert Cray

Just because Michael Jackson did it doesn't make it right

2011-02-11T20:12:00.000-08:00

Here's a riddle: what is a cookie and also a verb and also a disaster?

Here's the answer: Oreoing

XO,

Ms.Chief

P.S. Thank you, friends in the Nerdosphere, for alerting me to this most excellent verb

Bump Bumpit up!

2010-11-28T10:06:00.001-08:00

Q: Why is it okay to wear a prosthetic plastic thing under your hair that makes it look like you have a skull deformity?

A: Oh, you must be talking about the Bumpit, which recreates a 1960s pouf hairstyle traditionally embraced by beauty queens and country singers and Jane Fonda in Barbarella. This look may have been an outgrowth of the late 50s/early 60s beehive (still sported today by Amy Winehouse and Marge Simpson).

So why is this popular once again? Look at the ad's tagline: "from flat to fabulous in seconds!" It's like a Wonderbra for your hair. It's a way of being taller without wearing high heels. But the real reason behind the Bumpit's resurgence is a secret no one in their right mind wants to admit: today's women want to look like the Tyrannosaurus Rex, a symbol of power, speed and very short arms.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Happy Telegraphing Day!

2010-10-03T19:54:00.001-07:00

Apparently today is Telegraphing Day. Nope, not the communications medium, but rather the act of transmitting a shape through a covering. Today I observed three separate cases of telegraphing:

Woman walking through IKEA wearing nubby hand-crocheted socks that looked like lumberjack boots pulled up over skinny jeans. As she skidded along the polished concrete floor like a hapless drunk, the shape of her shoes under her boot-socks was telegraphing through the socks. (It may also be Inside Out Day.)
Man with subcutaneous piercing telegraphed the shape of a Frankenstein bolt through his neck skin.
Woman's tight white sweatpants was telegraphing the shape of her companion's hand as it slipped its way inside said pants, giving her bottom a solid groping.

Happy Telegraphing Day!

XO,
Ms.Chief

Cutoff Couture

2010-09-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

Lately I've received several inquiries about whether there is a place in today's society for boots coupled with cutoff jeans shorts, other than in gentlemen's clubs or at nostalgia-inducing outdoor music festivals.

I am happy to tell you that this combination does indeed have one other application: Halloween, when you want to dress up as a stripper or pretend to be a hippie at the Glastonbury Festival circa 1972. Alternately, you can add sickly face paint, drag your foot along and call yourself a Zombie Hippie Stripper. Enjoy!

XO,
Ms.Chief

Birds, Bees & Buckskin

2010-08-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms.Chief,
My awesome boyfriend bought us these buckskin outfits that we will always wear whenever we are together always. Forever, I mean. The problem is, I feel kind of torn up about it, because I am a political vegetarian since it's majorly wrong to take away an animal's skin and leave them standing there naked in the wild, all without skin and fur, because that's embarrassing for them in front of the other animals. My boyfriend says it's no big deal and I need to chill about it, because he got the buckskin outfits at Goodwill (we got the fleas out with clove cigarettes), and since they are second hand, that means the animals don't blame us personally for taking their skin. Is that true?
Peace out.

Dear Buckskin Betty,
I checked with my guru and mentor, Paul the Egg-laying Man Chicken, and he says that as long as you never think too hard about what happens when you take away an animal's skin, everything's going to be just fine.
XO,
Ms.Chief

1985 Regurgitated

2010-06-21T09:47:00.002-07:00

Dear Ms.Chief,
The mailman just brought me a letter from 1985 asking that I return my outfit. Do I have to?
Love,
Desperately Seeking Identity

Dear Desperate,
Bundle up those acid washed skinny jeans in your giant metallic purse and go to the post office today, please. In order to further placate 1985 for stealing its pants and purse, you may want to throw in your cassette tape of the soundtrack to Goonies. You may keep the yellow shoes because they are sassy enough to transcend time.
XO,
Ms.Chief

P.S. Don't forget to incinerate your plaid resort-wear jacket that you "borrowed" from the deceased lady on the cruise ship. It smacks of mothballs and failed golf resorts in the Florida wetlands.

Denim Gone Wild

2010-04-03T15:53:00.000-07:00

Q: At my job, we can wear jeans on Fridays as long as they're well maintained. I really think these jeans (pictured) are totally cute. Would they be okay for work?

A: If you're a sex worker attending a company-sponsored hayride, these jeans are perfect. However, if your professional responsibilities entail anything other than swinging around a pole, you may want to find yourself some denim that doesn't call to mind an encounter with questionable fluids.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Key(hole) To the Kingdom

2010-03-12T12:29:00.000-08:00

Q: I just bought a really nice shirt with a keyhole neckline. The keyhole is pretty modest, so is it appropriate to wear to my office?

A: "No cleavage, no problem" is my general rule of thumb for judging whether a shirt is office-appropriate. Excluded from this truism are the corporate offices of naughty magazines that might approve of revealing keyholes (see photo), and also Dutch Door shirts for that matter (have those been invented yet?).

You raise an interesting point about the power of suggestion. For example, a solid door with a keyhole in the doorknob does not inspire a peek, whereas a keyhole cut into the door itself begs for an eyeballing. So even if you are wearing a convent-approved keyhole shirt, be aware that certain individuals with active imaginations and repressed upbringings are most assuredly obsessing about the window of opportunity behind Door Number One.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Speed(o) Demons: The Low Down

2010-03-07T14:37:00.000-08:00

While on vacation in Kauai last month, I ate seared Ahi and fresh mangoes, snorkeled daily and gave serious consideration to what kind of guy should (and should not) wear small underwear-like bikini swimsuits, known as Speedos.

I'd always believed that only well-muscled athletes should wear tiny trunks. A European tourist completely redefined my criteria for Speedo success. Every day, this guy (pictured) lumbered into the surf in a small blue suit, orange water wings and goggles. Somehow, he managed to look fabulous.

I returned to the mainland convinced that there is room in the proverbial Speedo for all ages and shapes of men, as long as their skin is:

A) Smooth. Hirsute fellows just make a Speedo look defeated. The poor tiny suit can't possibly be expected to gracefully restrain all that lower back fur.

B) Taut. Sure, a nice tight musculature is ideal, but fat is fine, as long as it's contained tightly within (preferably tan) skin. Saggy or jiggly need not apply.

Of course the fit of the suit is crucial. Too loose or too tight carry the same risk of eye-burning spillage. But really, it all comes down to skin.

There it is. The skinny on Speedos. I never want to discuss this again.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Double Standard Revealed

2010-01-27T21:26:00.000-08:00

Q: A friend of mine is well endowed but really likes to wear low-cut cowl neck sweaters to work. Recently, she made a find that gives her the appropriate amount of modesty required at work – sweaters with built in “naked” mesh. You know, the mesh used in figure skating costumes to make skaters look like their skin is bedazzled? Though her outfits are now of the more modest sort, I can’t help but want to hold up judging numbers as she reminds me of Nancy Kerrigan. Should I tell her that she looks like she is going for Olympic gold or just be happy that I don’t have to be exposed to her tatas on a regular basis?

A: When I was 15, I was sent to Catholic girl's school in Spain (insert inappropriate jokes here). All the girls were required to wear white shirts with collars, gray plaid skirts, blue socks and blue shoes. Certain girls wore white shirts unbuttoned to their sternums, skirts hemmed to dizzying heights, sheer blue stockings and blue stiletto heels. Your friend seems to be playing a similar game, but in the workplace and with a weird figure skating theme. I personally find nude modesty mesh rather disconcerting - it makes me stare all the harder to figure out if I'm seeing human flesh or weird sparkly alien skin. Your friend should either wear something with a neckline in the vicinity of her neck or ditch the pretense of modesty and go for the gold. It isn't fair to the world to play it both ways. After all, if someone came up to me at a party bearing a delicious plate of sushi, I would be extremely sad if it turned out to be plastic display food.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Shear Perfection

2010-01-16T10:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers:
This is the best ad for the best hair salon in Kauai that I have ever seen. I love this ad because the owner has a classic rock and roll haircut that speaks of moonlight, idealism, fragrant orange blossoms and perfection. Additionally, it is obvious that he confidently owns his mustache without hesitation.The ad copywriter did an exemplary job. We know that the salon owner has been cutting and styling hair for eight years in a small studio by himself. We can only assume that when he started cutting and styling eight years ago, his hair must have reached his ankles.

Rock on, Roy Strom.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Sleeve Peeve

2010-01-09T08:23:00.000-08:00

Q: What are 3/4 length sleeves good for? Cold wrists? Lending the look of Frankenstein to an otherwise proportional person? But mostly, I want to know when will they go away?

A: No one is forcing you to wear 3/4 length sleeves. Most stores carry shirts in both full length and 3/4 length sleeves, so hop down off your cross and go to Target already.

I, for one, hope that 3/4 length sleeves remain available for the following reasons:

They are an excellent vehicle for showcasing my fascinating collection of bracelets
As a sloppy eater, I tend to dredge my soup with my cuffs
They are less tempting to use as surreptitious nose-wiping devices than full length sleeves

On the other hand, 3/4 sleeves are simply terrible for:

Cold, drafty environments
Very tall people who have trouble finding long enough clothing and just want a shirt with full length sleeves already
Individuals with appalling wrists (scabby rashes, bony outgrowths, poorly reasoned tattoos)
People who lack fascinating collections of bracelets

XO,
Ms.Chief

P.S. My friend Tim May has a shirt with accidental 3/4 length sleeves. It's a button down made for a full grown man with sleeves just maybe long enough for a seven year old boy. He calls it his alligator shirt (not as in Izod) because it is perfectly proportioned for an alligator.

Urban Truths: real life observations in 2009

2009-12-25T16:53:00.000-08:00

2009 is winding down, and as a gift to you, I am going to share a selection of 20 real life observations I've made since October that I've tweeted forth on the interwebs in a hashtagged series called #UrbanTruth. Some are of these little gems are fashion related, some are not, but all are ridiculously true, courtesy of the all-too-authentic people and animals of Portland, OR USA.

Happy New Year and do your best to look consistently fabulous in 2010, or you may find yourself gracing the pages of Amazing Graceless.

#UrbanTruth Avian morning commute troubles: Blue Heron flying over the Morrison Bridge nearly collided with three geese right over my head. 9:58 AM Dec 23rd
#UrbanTruth There's a pug dog sitting in a chair in the office across the street. I caught it staring right at me before it looked away. 5:46 PM Dec 17th
#UrbanTruth Observed in downtown PDX: aging punk rocker type sporting Mariachi pants, motorcycle boots and a do-rag. Incongruously adorable. 3:15 PM Dec 16th
#UrbanTruth Perfectly pigeon-shaped man at bus stop clucking like a chicken at the pigeons. Remarkably, the pigeons seemed very interested. 1:55 PM Dec 16th
#UrbanTruth PDXers spend bank to look 3rd world. In rainstorm this AM: family of 3 in ponchos riding horse style on one very fancy bicycle. 11:59 AM Dec 15th
#UrbanTruth Who's crazier? The guy kayaking down the river in 20 degree weather, or me bike commuting in 5 shirts + 2 pairs of pants? 4:10 PM Dec 10th
#UrbanTruth Garbage man almost hit me with a stream of chewing tobacco spittle as I sailed past his truck on my bicycle. He missed. Phew. 4:07 PM Dec 10th
#UrbanTruth It's so cold in PDX that even dropkick dogs are wearing multiple layers: spotted a pug wearing a dog sweater under a dog jacket. 4:04 PM Dec 10th
#UrbanTruth Spotted on morning commute: large male cyclist old school clunker sporting equestrian helmet and sitting VERY upright indeed. 9:25 AM Nov 30th
#UrbanTruth Best unauthorized apartment building sign modification: "Murray Hill Manor" hilariously transformed to "Murray, Bill Manor" 8:56 AM Nov 25th
#UrbanTruth Man in biz suit attempting to cross street in front of lightrail train. Train moves forward, man sticks out tongue petulantly. 9:12 AM Nov 17th
#UrbanTruth Bike jockey in front of me today had threadbare spandex shorts and neither shame nor undergarments. Must gouge out mind's eye. 9:40 AM Nov 11th
#UrbanTruth 2 Japanese girls asked me directions - one hacking into a surgical mask, the other dragging on a cig. I heart ironic moments. 9:38 AM Nov 11th
#UrbanTruth Spotted: Man in Lexus enthusiastically excavating nose with finger + garbage man staring at him and shaking head in disgust. 5:51 PM Nov 3rd
#UrbanTruth I look at the office building across the street 12pm & see at least 4 people putting on coats in synch on different floors. Wow. 10:43 AM Oct 30th
#UrbanTruth Lady bent over poodle, watching it crap directly into baggie, her face 6" from dog butt, her own huge khaki-clad ass in the air. 12:37 PM Oct 24th
#UrbanTruth On a rainy PDX A.M. on the Hawthorne Bridge, free pancakes and coffee are being served to commuting cyclists off a camp stove. 9:53 AM Oct 21st
#UrbanTruth Polite people exist in the city. Today a man opened the door for me and my bike, and smiled happily when I ran over his foot. 10:19 PM Oct 19th
#UrbanTruth: people in the office building across the street really CAN see you in daylight. A man in a red sweater waved at me yesterday. 2:11 PM Oct 16th
#UrbanTruth: public stairways adjoining bridges are a magnet for individuals (or groups) with violent and persistent loss of bowel control. 8:53 AM Oct 16th

XO,
Ms.Chief

The skinny on skinny jeans: part 1

2009-12-05T10:37:00.000-08:00

Q: I really like skinny jeans and knee high black leather boots, but my thighs are big, my gut is flabby and my behind looks like a state-fair-size prune. Is it okay for a bigger girl like me to squeeze into the denim, or should I consider wearing "mom jeans"?

A: Ahhhhhhh, I knew that skinny jeans would make an appearance on these pages before the end of the year. The uptick of humanity writhing around in spandex masquerading as denim made it inevitable that certain questions would arise.

From the way you describe yourself, you are obviously uncomfortable about the shape your size is in. Unless you feel great about being a big girl and flaunting it, skip the skinny jeans. Your lack of self-esteem will color the way people see you, and it won't be pretty. Even if you felt great about yourself, bisecting your un-pinlike pins with knee-high kicks will do nothing for the illusion of sleek length (see photo).

Mom Jeans are not a great clothing option unless you want to frame your middle America middle in light blue Costco denim. If you are trying to feel good about yourself in jeans, I suggest some fitted (but not sausage-casing tight) boot cut jeans in dark blue.

The real issue is that you need to get your self-esteem and physique into better shape, develop a personal style and stop shoehorning yourself into the fashion du jour, in this case skinny jeans with knee high boots, which make all but the slimmest girls resemble a poorly proportioned couch on perpetual sale in a cheap furniture store in the suburbs of a featureless town.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Beard: Tip of the iceburg

2009-11-08T14:07:00.000-08:00

I'm a really cool guy, but people don't realize it, and I wanted to look as cool as I feel deep down inside when I play Wii fencing every Saturday night. All the other guys in my town have full beards, so I decided to be different and grow a chin-only beard and trim it in the shape of a triangle. I think it looks great, but my mom said that when I tilt my head sideways I look like a one-legged lady naturalist. When I asked what she meant, she just laughed and went back to her banana and vodka breakfast smoothie. Mom's kind of crazy though - she's always lighting her cigarettes in the toaster. So honestly, do you think this beard makes me as cool as I can possibly be?

Dear Tiny Fencer,

Yes, your beard definitely makes you as cool as you can possibly be.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Boat shoe blues

2009-10-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Ms. Chief,

I know this is a bit too self revealing and probably perverse, but I do enjoy browsing the book section at Fred Meyer in my blue and cream boat shoes.

Any suggestions for an ensemble above the ankles?

Justin Case

Dear Mr. Case,

All you need is love and a good hardback.

XO,
Ms.Chief

...and turtlenecks for all mankind?

2009-09-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

Q: Is it appropriate for someone who is not a chiseled blonde Norwegian god to wear a turtleneck shirt? Not a sweater, mind you. One of those stretchy turtleneck shirts.

A: Whoa there, cowboy. Shouldn't you be asking the question of why humans would want to willingly emulate a saggy neck foreskin sported by a reptile that first made an appearance on earth 215 million years ago? The turtle is a sincerely gorgeous creature in its own right, but really, why would a human want to take on characteristics of a turtle's neck any more than turtles would want to, say, have human feet and wear ballerina flats? That's the larger issue at play here.

But since you ask, turtleneck wearing is not limited (in humans) to chiseled blonde Norwegian god-like fellows. Any fit man of celestial proportions (cultural heritage and hair color non-withstanding) tends to look better in a turtleneck than ordinary guys. See, turtleneck shirts mercilessly show off your body from neck to waist in a very frank manner. So if you have long skinny neck and a potbelly, your favorite brown turtleneck might well make you look like a pregnant dik-dik. If your chest is a pirate's dream (sunken) and you have rounded little apologetic shoulders, that turtleneck in which you cower will only emphasize your victim-like stature. And if you have even the slightest case of gynecomastia, you will absolutely look like a wannabe pin-up girl.

Then we get into whether turtleneck shirts, even on those godly types, are all that attractive. You might say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but let me make myself clear: if you think that the turtleneck is a nifty garment, you are unequivocally incorrect. Case studies:

A turtleneck with a blazer (generally sported by the professorial crowd) looks like the wearer thinks he is being all daring and casual underneath his establishment sportscoat. He's not - he just looks like some 1970s prep school kid who majored in sailing and snorting other people's cocaine, went on to predictably earn an MBA or a PhD and never really formed his own ideas about the world.
A black turtleneck with jeans is nearly visually acceptable on those god-like guys, but it smacks of beatnik poseurism that somehow got adopted by L.L. Bean-wearing suburbanites, which would surely cause William S. Burroughs to turn over in his grave and reach for a drink (or worse).
A light-colored turtleneck functions as a stage starring one set of nipples and some chest hair in a boring off- off- off-Broadway production. It also shows off all manner of food stains.

Oh, and spare me the argument that turtleneck shirts are practical because they keep a person warm. So does indoor heating and proper outerwear. And finally, before you bother asking about mock turtlenecks, why, after reading this treatise, would you even consider wearing an imitation of an ill-advised shirt? Skip the turtleneck. That's all.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Mustache + Egg = Huh?

2009-07-16T16:51:00.001-07:00

Q: Do you support the statement, "Kissing a man without a mustache is like eating an egg without salt"? Please explain your answer.

A: If I were a U.S. Supreme Court Nominee in the midst of confirmation hearings, I would say that without further study of prior related cases and knowledge of state laws in which this incident occurred, I cannot answer the question.

However, no one has asked me if I'd like to be considered for the Supreme Court (their mistake). Here's your answer: This non sequitur was made in a specific cultural/historical context - apparently it was all the rage for men to have mustaches, and eggs were insignificant without salt. It would be like saying "Kissing a man without a pair of filthy clogs, a grey wool hat and a deltoid tattoo of the European recycling symbol is like eating tofu salad without organic capers." That would only really make sense in a few square miles of Portland, Oregon, USA, present day.

Personally, I like salt on egg dishes but I think mustaches are more frequently a mistake than a success (see prior post), so I do not support this statement. On the other hand, if Humpty Dumpty (pre-fall), had a mustache, was hard-boiled and I was very, very hungry, I might consider peeling him and making egg salad. With capers. And smoked paprika. And a lot of salt. Yum.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Mustache Mastery

2009-07-07T11:45:00.000-07:00

You know how there are a select few who manage to look really awesome with a mustache instead of just creepy? Well my boyfriend considers himself part of the elite few. I, however, disagree. What are the rules for mustache owning, and would you consider the attached to be a photographic example of someone who looks distinguished with the aforementioned facial hair? Please advise. Sincerely, Stressed over 'Staches in Texas

Dear Stressed 'Staches,

Mustaches are all the rage right now. There has been far too much bandwidth dedicated to the mustache in the last year, including endless discussion about all the different types of mustaches available, whether you should always wear 1970s cop shades with ironic mustaches, and so forth.

Here's the thing: people who are ironic about their mustaches secretly feel uncertain, embarrassed and infantilized by their own facial hair. Irony in personal appearance is a form of apology 98% of the time.

This is not to say that your adorable boyfriend is insecure or apologetic. He might have all the confidence in the world about sporting that humpbacked caterpillar that is drawing and quartering his face, but it looks silly on him. He should either be clean-shaven or stick to a full beard. He could try a Fu Manchu, but definitely send me a photo before he leaves the house, and I'll let you know one way or the other.

It all comes down to this: mustaches are like burly, aggressive, leg-humping, child-munching dogs. Either you own it, tame it, and the world admires you, or it owns you and ruins your reputation. Some helpful examples follow:

Behold the archetypal insecure ironic mustache. This boy-man is hiding behind his cop shades, a beer and an admittedly nicely shaped 'stache, but he also looks like mommy gives him allowance that he guiltily uses to buy weed instead of clean socks, and I suspect he has a Japanese tattoo on his calf that he thinks means "bedroom eyes" but really spells "bed wetter".

Love him or hate him, Tom Selleck has full control and ownership over his mustache. Just look: His mustache obviously lives to serve him, and it suits his face. Oh, proud membership in the NRA doesn't necessarily make you a viable mustache owner - it just happens to be a coincidence in this case.

Sir Paul is just not cut out for a mustache. (I have no idea how he was ever considered a sex symbol, and now that he is old and dyes his hair he looks like an aging society lady with a poodle tucked away in a basket in a cottage somewhere.) As US Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said in 1964, "Hard-core pornography is hard to define, but I know it when I see it." To paraphrase Justice Stewart, convincing mustache ownership is hard to define, but I know it when I see it, and Paul McCartney never convinced me that he could handle a mustache.

Yes, yes, yes. John Waters 100% owns his mustache. He gets bonus points because he cuts an ironic figure, but does so with supreme confidence.

In all fairness, John Travolta grew his 'stache for a movie role, but I certainly hope he's shaved it off, because he looks like a suburban dad who decided to impress his kid's football team by trying to look like a jailbird in 1975. It just doesn't work with his face, plus he looks more like the jailbird's girlfriend with that prissy grin.

Salvador Dalí had a mustache that matched his artwork and his big old crazy personality. His mustache was theater, and he rocked it.

Personally, I don't appreciate a mustachioed lady. However, Frida Kalho wore her lip-pet with aplomb and featured it in her self-portraiture. Although she would have been much more attractive without it, she was clearly confident, which is the only thing that made it viable.

So, in conclusion, mustaches work for people who are confident, strong and have chosen the right mustache style for their face. Confidence and strength can overcome poor choice in mustache, but without total confidence, the mustache holds the cards and the crowds smirk knowingly.

XO,
Ms.Chief

P.S. An Amazing Graceless fan emailed me a fabulous mustache qualification summary. Thank you, SM in St. Louis: "There are 3 simple questions that can help in making the decision to sport a mustache. 1. Are you the Sheriff of a small town? 2. Are you trying to thwart the efforts of a small town sheriff? 3. Is your name Magnum, Bandit or Sundance? A "Yes" answer to any of these is the confirmation that you are looking for."

Bow tie bravado: how big is too big?

2009-04-15T15:32:00.000-07:00

How big can a bow tie be, before it is ungodly enormous?

First of all, thanks to Joe S. of Portland, OR (pictured center) for this timely tax day question:

If any of the following are true, your bow tie needs to see a surgeon immediately:

If you bow tie could fly, it could easily carry the weight of your head
A fruit bat appears to be eating your Adam's Apple
Your bow tie dwarfs Elvis' sunglasses during his bloated, pre-death white jumpsuit days
W (width) > 1/20 x YH (your height) in SF (stocking feet)

Signs of a successful bow tie:

It should be slightly thicker than John Waters' mustache, but not much
It is either a solid color or has an abstract pattern (no rocking horses or paisleys, thank you)
It is wider than your mouth when closed and unsmiling, but not as wide as your forehead
You don't wear it every day unless it is part of a uniform (blackjack dealer, bartender, jockey, doorman, Chippendale dancer, etc.)
If it is not part of a uniform and you are not a humanities professor or an Oregon senator, you only wear it willingly with a tuxedo

XO,
Ms.Chief

P.S. Nice shiny hair, Joe! Either you had a good Mediterranean diet rich in olive oil, or you indulged in 1970s shampoo rich in petrochemicals.

Recession Remedies: Scraping the Barrel

2009-03-08T15:18:00.000-07:00

We could all use some hints on how to spend a little less money these days. What are your recommendations for fashion on a budget?

There are a gazillion semi-realistic answers to this questions, such as: join a nudist colony, stay in bed, or turn your curtains into a ballgown (a la Scarlet O'Hara). However, if you live in a cold climate, are prone to bedsores, or your windows are cursed with vertical blinds, here are some other options:

Ruthless Reduction: Take stock of your current wardrobe. What is gathering dust (or mold) in your closet? Why do you never wear it? Take those pants that make your rump resemble a lumpy piñata and donate them to charity. The shirt with stinky yellow sweat stains under the arms and grease on the hem belongs in the garbage. That guilt-inducing pumpkin and brown houndstooth check scarf your mother-in-law gave you should live in the trunk of your car in case you drive off a cliff, cut off your arm and require a tourniquet. In short, get rid off the stuff that is either unflattering, ruined or ugly. You'll feel better knowing that you only have clothes you like, and that someone less fortunate than you is happily wearing your rejects. Charity is the new black.
Mix and Match: Okay, you're down to the the clothes you do wear and the clothes that you don't wear but are perfectly serviceable. Now you get to play a game of mix and match. Take those jeans you always wear, and hold them up to that fantastic green shirt embroidered with a possum that's been languishing in your dresser for six years - why, what a wonderful outfit! Hang them in your closet together where you can see them. Grab those fabulous purple suede platform shoes you wear every Thursday and scrutinize them next to those flattering parachute pants you never wear and ask yourself why not. If you don't feel nauseous, you've got a match! Hang up the pants in the closet, and put your shoes right under them to remind you to wear them together. Continue mixing and matching, and behold, you suddenly have an interesting new wardrobe without having spent a dime.
Shirtburger Helper™: After your game of mix and match, wash your face, gargle, pop a Tums, and see what's left. How about your cherished black t-shirt that's perfect in all ways except it barely covers your ribcage? Well, if you have sewing skills or a friend who sews (who pities you or owes you money), you're in luck! Ingredients: one (1) shirt that is too short; one (1) extra shirt that you can't quite bear to get rid of, but the color next to your face makes you look dead. Instructions: cut the bottom off the extra shirt, and sew it to the bottom hem of the too-short shirt. Behold your new unique shirt! If you actually measured everything and sewed it together decently, you might not even look like a homeless orphan with scabies!
Sale Shopping: If steps 1-3 haven't fulfilled your greedy little needs, it's time to resort to shopping. No, you don't get to go to your favorite store and buy full price items and then take yourself out to sushi as a reward for being such a good shopper. Instead, you are going to learn how to shop on the cheap without necessarily looking cheap. Some options for reduced price, good brand clothing: Sierra Trading Post, consignment stores where fancy people sell their barely worn clothes and Overstock are a few of my personal favorites. Frequently you can find off colors, seconds with imperceptible flaws or simply clothing that didn't sell well and is being discontinued. BUYER BEWARE: In the past, outlet malls were a good bet, but I've found that national brand stores now create criminally designed lines of clothing specifically for their outlets. I call that cheating.

There. You now have all my wonderful secrets at your disposal. Why do I share these with you? Well, if you look lousy, I go through the classic fashion failure stages of pity, depression and ultimately sheer fury. So if not for yourself, get yourself together for my well being. Thank you for your cooperation.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Prosthetic Panache

2009-03-08T11:57:00.001-07:00

Question: How should one accessorize a glass eye?

Answer: With a false eyelash.

Spandex: when, why, where, what and who?

2009-03-08T11:35:00.001-07:00

Well, even superheros make mistakes, in this case, a misguided Spiderman wannabe poured into a spandex sausage casing snuggling up to the wall like an aging stripper in a 1974 B-movie.

The when, where, why, what and who of Spandex wearing needs some firm parameters, possibly even laws implemented on a federal level (we can’t trust states to make good decisions on this one).

APPROPRIATE:

Very fit people racing bicycles very, very fast so you can’t see the details lurking beneath the fabric
Headbanger bands comprised of malnourished old men with skullets
Spandex only belongs in restaurants that feature a stage with a pole

INAPPROPRIATE:

Red spandex shorts on anyone regardless of circumstance
Worn out shorts that are embarrassingly transparent or baggy
Anyone strolling about in public who is not playing a professional sport at the time of spandex-wearing

XO,
Ms.Chief

Passed out in public - what to wear?

2009-02-11T18:08:00.000-08:00

Should you dress appropriately when you pass out drunk on your front yard, in case you’ll be photographed for Google maps?

Well, you should always dress appropriately, of course. Appropriate dress in anticipation of being photographed while passed out entails:

pants rather than a skirt (to avoid unintentional exposure)
dark colors (so grass stains or worse don’t show)
lace up shoes or zip-up boots instead of clogs or slides (so you don’t lose them)

The fellow pictured here is a passed out fashion success, including wisely using his arm as a drool catcher. Really, he is my role model in what to wear when drinking yourself into curbside oblivion.

XO,
Ms.Chief

Socks: know their power and use it wisely

2009-01-25T14:01:00.000-08:00

I have a question about socks selection. I’ve heard several philosophies on this subject. Should socks match:
1) Shoe color
2) Pants color
3) Shirt color
4) None of the above

Note that the Bee Gees (pictured) would apparently choose option 1). Although, their thoughts on fashion would be somewhat suspect, given their taste in shoes. Your guidance is appreciated.

Dear Sock Curious,

Thank you for caring. Here are some basic guidelines:

If you are wearing black shoes, it is fairly safe to match your socks to your shoes. If you have good taste (according to anyone other than the person who taught you to dress yourself), you might venture into the territory of patterned socks. Large patterns on socks are riskier than small patterns.

If you are wearing brown shoes, it is a lot harder to find a matching brown sock, and you will rapidly descend into dorkland if you miss by a shade. With brown shoes, it is wiser to match your socks to your pants. However, it really depends on the shoes, the kind of leather, the style, and the details, as well as on the pants you are wearing.

Never, ever match your socks to your shirt. That is a sorry misconception generated by the fashion backward and greedy efforts of the Gap in the last twenty years. Remember that intrusive salesperson chirpily insisting through the dressing room door that you purchase socks to match that shirt? Well, that was intended to encourage you to spend more money, not to make you look good. And if you listened to that Gap monkey, you wound up looking like a squat little layer cake. Unless your legs are so tiresomely long you just wish you could make them look shorter by uniting your torso and your ankles, do NOT wear socks that match your shirt. One exception: if your shirt and your pants and your shoes match, you might as well match your socks to the whole shebang and audition for Lawrence Welk.

Finally, the Bee Gees: Forgive them, it was the 1970s and white jazz shoes were a sign of cool in that fleeting era of disco. Perhaps such zippity white shoes reminded people of that zippity white powder they had just vacuumed into their nasal passages. However, the Bee Gees' socks, which appear to be white athletic socks, really didn't do them any favors in the slick department. Fast forward to 1995 and the movie adaptation of the Elmore Leonard novel Get Shorty in which Dennis Farina played the role of a sleezily stylish thug. There is a scene in which the camera pans to his ankles and reveals his socks, transparent trouser socks, to be precise. Trouser socks are the male answer to the knee high stocking - they are a thin dress sock that look ridiculous on most human beings unless they were raised in Miami by generations of confident pimps. Anyway, the Bee Gees would have done better to wear sheer white socks with their disco suits and white shoes. Here is a photo of the black version of what they should have considered:

I leave you with this vision. Enjoy your nightmares.

XO,

Ms.Chief

Animals ON Attire - what flies and what does not.

2008-11-20T17:56:00.000-08:00

Q: We’ve heard you sound off on animals in attire, but what about animals on attire? I’m thinking specifically of a sweatshirt with a wolf on it, and behind him a silhouette of another wolf on a ridge howling at the moon. If only I could find 7 of them, I’d be happy every day of the week. Also, what about animals on a tire?

A: Your proposed sweatshirt is a teensy bit ridiculous and highly illogical in its storytelling. Why on earth would the one wolf be apart for the other wolf? Have they had a fight? Does one of the wolves think the moon is a cookie and wants to eat it while the other is ignoring his clearly delusional friend?

If you want a sweatshirt with wolves on them, I think you should go for something more friendly and logical, like two wolves riding a horse while eating sandwiches and listening to a radio.

Regarding animals on a tire (supposing you really want to know something about that and aren’t just making a shameful pun) the only animals I have ever seen standing on a tire are goats and birds. If you are referring to animals as decoration on mudflaps, yes, that’s okay as long as they aren’t striking a suggestive pose in chrome. That’s just plain old naughty.

XO,
Adj.

Seersucker Scenarios

2008-09-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

Should I buy a seersucker suit? If yes, where can I find a great one? If no, where can I find a decent one? Oh, and what shoes should you wear with it?

Your battery of questions raise one (1) very crucial question:
Why do you think you might need a seersucker suit? Are you going to the Kentucky Derby? Are you attending an outdoor summer wedding in the Hamptons?

Assuming you really, truly need a seersucker suit, here are some answers:

Check vintage stores for a stylish, period seersucker suit. You might even be so lucky as to find a straw hat (always check for fleas if you buy a used hat).
Don’t buy a cheap suit or you will look like you are sporting a glorified paper towel.
Traditionally, you wear a light-colored, buckskin lace-up with red-rubber soles or a similar-colored saddle shoe with a seersucker suit. However, saddle shoes are seriously dorky, so I suggest you consider red tranny patent leather platforms just for fun. At worst, you’ll sprain an ankle. At best, you’ll be forced to stay home because you can’t walk.

XO,
Adj.

Collars of the Rainbow

2008-09-28T13:01:00.000-07:00

What do you think of "popped" collars? Not to influence your opinion, but examples galore.

Dear Preppy Curious,

I’m going to tell you a history of the popped collar: Once upon a time in the late 1970s, there lived a young boy in a swanky Miami apartment, which was a pastel predictor of Tony Montana’s home in Scarface (1983). The walls were smothered in textured mauve wallpaper, the white pleather couches resembled Beluga whales and the glass and brass tables were graced with dusty arrangements of blue plastic roses. The boy’s mother and father were neglectful at best, frequently occupied with inhaling another kind of dust off the tables while the boy sat curled up in his Papasan Chair dreaming of parents without DUIs or STDs baking apple pie and chocolate chip cookies and teaching him how to bow hunt on the weekends. Every morning, the boy would shrug on his private school uniform and wander off to school after waving goodbye to his mother who was already sucking down Moscow Mules barely dressed in fur mules and a flammable polyester dressing gown that was a little too short for the apartment balcony. The parental neglect in the Getting Dressed Department also translated to the collar of the boy’s private school uniform remaining flipped up (popped) when he went to school. As the boy got older and his father’s septum disintegrated and his mother swam further into the bottom of a bottle, he found that the popped collar not only made him look a little like Count Dracula, which appealed to the girls (and boys), but was a fantastic hickey hider that had the bonus of gaining him the leering admiration of his schoolmates. With the help of a drab tutor (who wouldn’t have known a hickey if it leaped up and hit him on the head with a squeaky dog toy shaped like a bee), the boy somehow graduated from high school and a family friend who felt sorry for him got him a job on the set of Miami Vice as Junior Assistant to the Associate Costume Designer. The Senior Costume Designer saw the boy’s popped collar (didn’t make the connection with hickeys or Count Dracula), thought it looked swell, and behold, Don Johnson’s unstructured jacket with pushed up sleeves and wrinkled popped collar was born.

So what do I think of popped collars? They look great on Count von Count from Sesame Street.

XO,
Adj.

Attired Animals

2008-09-14T19:53:00.000-07:00

Why do people put clothes on animals? I think it’s weird.

Dear Animal Naturalist,

Just the other day I saw a pug in a pink sleeveless hoodie. I didn’t know what to think. It was cute yet wrong, much like the pug itself. Did you know that pugs have their very own type of encephalitis which causes them to have seizures? That’s the result of too much inbreeding. Maybe those dogs should wear a hoodie for their own good. Anyway, I digress.

Kids put clothes on everything remotely alive. When I was a kid, I would dress up fruits and vegetables. Don’t ask me why - I have no idea. Grownups who dress up animals are a different matter. Perhaps they don’t have children and wish they did. Perhaps they do have children and wish the children were animals because animals don’t pick their own clothes and you can keep them on a leash throughout their lives. It is also possible that some of the grownups who do this are secretly wannabe cross dressers and they are taking it out on their pets.

I once knew a woman who had a pet goose as a child. They would put the goose in a diaper and it would sit on the couch and watch TV. I’m not kidding. It’s not a suburban myth. But at least the reason the goose was wearing a diaper was so it wouldn’t crap on the couch. I have no idea why the goose was in the house and why it watched TV.

So it is weird that people dress up animals, but they have all different reasons.

Now back to inbreeding: What I want to know is why people think inbreeding animals for the purity of the breed is acceptable, but you aren’t supposed to have children with your siblings? That seems like a double standard.

XO,
Adj.

Black… the new black.

2008-09-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

Is wearing all black fashionable? Or just lazy?

Dear Monotone Curious,

There are many answers to your question.

If you are going to a costume party as Johnny Cash, a Goth or Robert Smith from the Cure, wearing black is not lazy, but I wouldn't say it is fashionable per se.
If you are wearing all black to set off your accessories, it can be very fashionable if your blacks match and your accessories are actually as fabulous as you think they are.
If you are wearing all black because your clothes are so dirty that they just look black, then you are personally quite disgusting.
If you wear all black out of laziness, then guess what? It means you are indeed lazy.

So in short, there is no real answer, but if your intentions are good and/or you look great (whether deliberately or by mistake), usually laziness is not a concern.

XO,
Adj.